I Was Broken
by Ennasus96
Summary: Both Bella and Edward are broken from their past. As their eyes fall upon each other, they both feel the sparks flying. Can they get through their pasts and open up to each other, share their darkest secrets? Or will they both be too afraid?
1. Chapter 1

**Rating: M.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer and her amazing story. **

**A/N: For all of you reading this, who reads my Robsten fanfic; of course I'm gonna finish it. How could I not? I love that fanfic, and it deserves an ending. It's not like the ending is coming super soon, don't worry. **

**I just got this idea, and I said to myself I wanted to wait till the other one was done, but I couldn't. I wanted to know what all you think of the idea. I just had to start it.**

**So here we go; I really hope you'll enjoy this, I really do.**

"_I'm sorry," I whispered. _

"_Don't say you are sorry," he shouted. "You don't even mean that."_

"_I am sorry, I really am."_

"_STOP."_

_He drew his hand back, and I knew what was coming. I had gotten use to this. Use to being beaten; by my own boyfriend._

_His flat hand reach my cheek and pain shot through me. I didn't show him that. I hadn't gotten use to holding it in. I didn't want him to see me being weak. Him beating me, was pleasant enough for him. I was not gonna give him the joy by crying. I didn't want to shed a tear for this man. I just wanted to run. But he made it hard, so hard. When I saw movies with women being beaten by their men I didn't understand why they didn't just run, but it wasn't that simply. _

_I had tried, but he found me. And he beat me, so I could barely walk. I didn't understand why he didn't just let me go. _

_He pushed me into the kitchen counter so hard, I fell to the floor._

I woke up, dripping in sweat. It was just a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. I always said that to myself. And it was a nightmare, a nightmare that had been reality.

We met when I was 19. We had been together for a year. I loved him. I could see our future together. Us getting married, having kids. I trusted him.

Suddenly something about him started to change. He had a bad temper. He was pissed off so easily.

The first time he hit me, he told me he was sorry, and I forgave him. It became more often, and he stopped apologizing.

After 5 months of being beaten several times a week, I finally ran. After so many times of trying, I finally succeeded. I told my dad I was moving to New York, I wanted to study there. I knew he was worried about me. I never let him see me, he couldn't see me, all bruised, and then suddenly one day, I just moved to New York, just like that. I only brought a bag of clothes. He gave me money so I could get an apartment, which I was grateful for. I promised to pay him everything back. I didn't tell him about the beating. I didn't call the police. I just wanted to get away.

It hadn't been the best idea. Of course I was away from him. But I wasn't free. I lived in fear. Whenever I turned around the corner of a street, I was afraid he would be there. Whenever someone knocked on my door, I was afraid he would be on the other side. I wasn't free.

I had lived in New York for 6 months now. I worked two jobs, a pizzaria during the day, as a bartender at night, so I could pay for a psychologist. I didn't study. One, I didn't know what I wanted to study, at all. Second, I wouldn't be able to focus. My fear had overtaken my life. Going to work was hard enough for me. I just wanted to stay inside, because it was the only place I felt safe, and I didn't even feel safe there.

I had gotten two friends here, Rosalie and Angela. They both worked with me at the pizzaria. They didn't know my past, I couldn't tell them. I did trust them, but I couldn't handle if they started saying something about it. If they wanted me to call the police, to do something. Because I couldn't. I knew it would be better, I knew he derserved to be in jail or whatever, but I just couldn't. The only thing they knew was that I had had a terrible break up, with someone I loved very much, who betrayed me, and I wasn't over it yet.

I had to tell them something. They always came to the club I was a bartender at, and in the beginning they always pointed out guys, asking if they were something for me. I wasn't gonna get a boyfriend. I couldn't have one. I couldn't love again, I couldn't trust again. I was so broken down by my past.

I went to the psychologist three times a week. That was probably alot, and expensive, but I needed it. I didn't say much to be honest, so someone would probably say it was a waste of money. But when I sat on the psychologist's couch I could allow myself to think about it, try to deal with some of it. I couldn't at home. I would get paranoid. And who would I call? What should I tell them? Hey, I'm afraid, because my boyfriend use to beat me, until I ran away, and I'm scared he'll come look for me. Hold my hand, please? That wasn't a option.

The psychologist knew I had been beaten by my boyfriend. And that I hadn't told anybody, I just ran away from it. I didn't give her any details. Most of the time we just sat there in silence. She accepted that. Told me several times that she could see I was dealing with it myself.

I got up from bed, and took a shower to wash the nightmare away. It wasn't really a nightmare, since that was something that happened when you slept, but it was a nightmare. A nightmare where it took me 5 months to wake up, but I was still half asleep, the fear still haunting me.

I put on my work clothes for the pizzaria. I always worked before I went to the psychologist. After the psychologist I wouldn't be able to work, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I had to go home and be myself.

I grabbed my phone, my keys and my wallet. As the door to my apartment closed behind me, I could feel my heart beating faster. It always happened. This was how much power the fear had over me, how much power _he_ still had over me. I hated that. I wanted to be able to let go. To forget about it completely. I wanted to study something, get a boyfriend, move forward in life. But my past was holding me back. Making me afraid of doing things. I didn't want to start studying, if I would just fail, because I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't get a boyfriend again, because I was afraid of him hurting me. Also, it wouldn't be fair to any guy. I wasn't gonna love again, trust again. _He_ was the reason. _He had destroyed me. _

My heart slowed down as I saw a familiar smiling face, Rosalie.

"Hey girl, you look tired."

"Yeah, I didn't have the best night," I said as I took my jacket and threw it in the back.

"That happens alot," she replied, sounding alittle worried.  
>"Don't think about it, happens to all of us."<p>

"And to you alot, apparently."

"Let's not talk about it." I grabbed my apron and tied it around my waist. I took some paper and a pencil, going around, taking people's orders.

Work was always fun. I always laughed. Some people would think it was a boring job, but I enjoyed it. Me and Rosalie always had a blast. And even though there were alot of people, and anytime I could walk to a table, and he could be sitting here, I didn't think about it. Not at the pizzaria. Rosalie made me feel safe. She was kinda of my rock, if you could say that. I had told her that. We were very close, even though she didn't know my past.

Rosalie always stood up for herself and the people she loved. No one could get away with saying crap to Rosalie, and if a guy at a bar was being too cocky and annoying, she wasn't afraid to smack him. Most important; she was always there when you needed her. She was the kinda of friend that would drop whatever she was doing, if you were sad and wanted someone to comfort you. It was the same thing with Angela. Those two girls had helped me more than they would probably ever know, because they didn't know my past.

Maybe I would tell them someday. But I didn't believe it.

Everyday I wished something would happen, so I wouldn't live in this fear. I had no idea what that should be, but just something. Maybe he would even.. _die_.

I knew it was horrible to want someone dead, I knew you shouldn't do that. But that was the way he had made me feel those 5 months, dead.

I was numb, I had no one. I didn't allow myself to feel anything, pain, sorrow, regret. Nothing. I had been like a living dead.

I knew it was wrong, and I hated I thought like that, because I didn't want to be that kinda of person. I wasn't really. It was just with him. I just felt like he deserved it, or at least deserved to feel pain. Not just physical, but also psychologically.

He had fucked me up, broken me down. I wanted him to be broken down. Being hit and feel the pain from that, was nothing compared to the pain of not feeling like you could love or trust again.

When work was over, I walked home to shower. It only took 10 minutes to walk to both of my jobs, pizzaria and the club. It also took 10 minutes to walk to the psychologist. It was all on purpose. I hated being outside alone.

When I was done at the club, it was dark outside of course. Both Rosalie and Angela knew I was afraid of something, so one of them always followed me home. I told them they didn't have to, even though I wanted them to, but I was just so grateful they did.

It might be weird I had decided to work in a club; alot of people, drinking, hitting on each other, the dark..

But I liked that it was dark. Behind the bar I also felt kinda safe. Plus, Rosalie or Angela, or both, was always there.

I knew he could come out of nowhere, because it was dark and there were so many people, but again, I didn't think about it.

I was aware it was weird places I felt kinda of safe, but that was just how it was.

I showered and slipped on some new clothes.

When I walked through the door to the waiting room, I saw the faces of the people I saw everytime I was here. This was a place where there were three psychologists, so there was always people in the waiting room, always the same.

I never talked to any of them. I just sat there, look at them, wondering what their story was, what had happened to them, for them to be in here.

"Ms. Swan, Dr. Carter is ready for you."

I got up from my chair and walked through her door. I sat down in the chair I always sat in.

"How are you today?" she asked. She was always smiling. I couldn't really have found a better psychologist, because she was so nice and understood I had problems talking about it, but just wanted to sit there and think.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Today I want to ask you if you are ready to tell me his name. Only if you want to."

I hadn't told her his name yet. I hadn't said his name, or even thought it ever since I ran away. I didn't even know if I could. But I wanted to. Because not being able to say it, made me feel the control, I felt he still had over me.

"It might help you. It sometimes do for people. It makes something real, and it much easier to deal with. Holding it in isn't always the best thing. But again, it's up to you. If you feel like you can't say it, you shouldn't. We'll take everything in your time."

I took a deep breath.  
>"I want to say it. It's true what you are saying. Not being able to say it, makes the feeling of the control he has over me, feel so heavy, like it's holding me down. I need to say it."<p>

"Just take your time," she smiled.

_Bella, you can do this._

_Bella, you can do this._

_Bella, you can do this._

I took a deep breath again.

"Jacob. His name is Jacob."

**A/N: This chapter is kinda of short, but I just wanted you to get an idea of what it's all about.**

**So please, leave a review about what you think; about the idea, about Bella being broken down, about her past. I really wanna know what you think.**

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**Susanne**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm so happy for the good respond I got about chapter 1. So here is chapter two, I hope you'll like it. **

**If this is the first fanfic you are reading from me, you can also check out the other one I'm writing; a Robsten one – Undisclosed Desires.**

_As he hit me, I fell. _

_Fell down._

_It was black. _

_Everything was black. _

_I kept falling. _

_Into emptiness. _

_But then I stopped falling, and a pair of arms was around me. _

_I looked up. _

_My eyes followed the glowing skin of the man with the arms around me, until I reached his eyes. _

_I looked into them._

_The eyes of an angel._

I suddenly woke up. I wasn't ready to wake up, I wanted to look into the eyes of the angel. I needed to know why he was there, why he was holding me.

This dream hadn't been that bad. Yes, He... Jacob had been there, hit me, but the angel had made up for all of that. I didn't understand where that came from. There was never anything good in my dreams, or nightmares. I always had nightmares. I always woke up, shaking, sweating, my heart beating fast, as if my nightmares had been real life. I usually woke up, feeling the pain, where his hands had touched me. That was why I always started my mornings with taking a shower. Before I took showers at night, loving the calming feeling it gave me. Especially the last couple of months I lived with Jacob, before I ran. It calmed me down in some way, so it was easier to lie next to him. Easier was the wrong word, because I hated lying there next to him. But he wouldn't let me be anywhere else. I had just been lucky he never wanted to have sex. He never tried. I was so grateful for that, more than anything. I didn't even care if he got it from someone else.

The first month where he started to hit me I still loved him. Of course I did. I was ready to marry him, start a life with him. I thought he was having a bad time, and was dealing with alot. Or that was what I tried to convince myself about. I was blinded by love.

But as the beating continued, as it got more and more worse, my love for him started dying. I didn't even hate him. I had no feelings for or about him at all.

I didn't for anyone.

When I finally went outside, I had a fake smile on.

But I was dead in side.

Today I had found some happiness again, I could be happy. But of course, never free. I just didn't trust my ability to love again. To trust again. I wouldn't allow myself, because I didn't want someone to break me down again. I would much rather have someone kill me. Being broken down, someone making you feel dead, was the worst thing I had never been through. And I had been through enough physical pain.

After my last psychologist appointment I had been able to say his name. Jacob. She had been right, finally saying it, did something. Not enough of course. I just wanted to forget, make everything go away, like it never happened. I wanted to be free, not living in fear, I wanted to be able to love someone again, to.. I wanted to be normal again.

When I said it like that, it sounded like I was a freak. I just didn't feel normal, in the sense that, I always felt out of place. When me, Rosalie and Angela went out, they were looking at boys, flirting smiling, talking to them. I wanted that, that normality in my life.

The only two feeling I really knew was happiness and sadness. Not even anger. Because anger scared me. I had seen what it could do to people. I didn't want to be angry with anyone. I knew I was never gonna use violence against someone, but still. When you were angry, you would do things you would regret.

I also use to say that to myself in the beginning of the beating. I was sure he regretted doing it. But again, I knew better, as he continued, as he stopped saying sorry, and as the look of sadness disappeared from his face.

I took my shower and ate my breakfast.

Today I was going shopping with Rosalie and Angela, which I was excited about. Not the shopping part, but I needed to go out. Lately I just sat in my aparement, thinking about my past. I had also started to go over alot of 'what if's'. What if he hadn't changed? Would we still be together? Would we be engaged? What if I had run just when it all started? Would I still be this broken? I wouldn't have lived a life without fear though, because the reason I was scared, was because I was afraid that he would find me.

I knew it was stupid to go over these things, done was done. I had been broken down, I had to find a way to live with that. I was already trying my hardest. I would probably never get over it. Get over it, meant I had to deal with it and find closure and I couldn't do that. Could I get closure if I saw him again? If I knew he was behind bars? I never wanted to see him again, never. I'd rather live in fear.

Someone knocked on my door. It always got my heart beating faster. I knew that this time it would just be Rosalie, but still.. You could never ever be sure.

"Hey girl. Are you ready to go?"

"Sure, I'll just grab my jacket."

We went to the mall and met up with Angela. We did alot of shopping before we decided to stop at a cafe and get something to eat.

"What about that guy?" Rosalie said, and Angela turned around to look at him.

"Oh, he's hot!"

"Bella, what do you think?" Rosalie turned the attention to me.

"He's uhm.. fine." I hated talking about this.

"Fine? Bella, at some point there must be someone you'll be interested in."

"Rosalie," Angela said, trying to make her stop. She knew I hated talking about guys. Rosalie knew too, she just had a harder time respecting it. This happened sometimes, and I could get really pissed off with Rosalie for doing it, when she knew I didn't like it.

"There won't be, okay? I told you I'm not over my past.. love." Lies, lies, lies.

Well, only the part about the love. But I had to tell them something. If I could tell them how broken and hurt I really was, they would never bring this up, but that wasn't going to happen.

"You can't mourn over this past love forever, you have to get out there."

"No, I don't!" I said alittle too loud and they both looked at me shocked. "I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about this. I'm just not ready."

"We just don't want you to be sad."

"I'm not." They both looked at me.

"Well, I am, but I have the two of you and that's all I really need. I'm a strong woman, I need no man," I laughed, and luckily they laughed with me, which lighted the mood.

I didn't want them to worry about me. I mean, I was happy they cared about me that way, of course I was, but with this I just wanted to be left alone to deal with, no one could help. Nothing could.

Once, when I had just gotten to New York, I was completely down. So paranoid. I was sure he was standing outside my door, I was sure he was in my aparment. It was like I could feel his hands all over me.

I had run to a shop, buying a big bottle of vodka, and started drinking it. I had gotten really drunk. I hated myself, felt like it was all my own fault.

I had ended up in my bathroom with a knife. I was ready to take my own life. Right in that moment, I was ready to do it, to make the fear, the pain, the bad memories – _nightmares_ – make it all go away, with a simply cut. Right there. My life was shattered, and I saw no reason to live.

But what had stopped me from doing it, I had no idea.

I was happy though, happy I hadn't done it. I was broken, I would even use the word destroyed, but I was happy, as happy as you could be when someone had made you feel dead inside.

We ended the shopping trip. It had been everything I needed, to get my mynd of things. Well, apart from the episode at the cafe.

I was never gonna put myself out there. And let someone hurt me? No way. I was not gonna let someone shatter the small pieces I was already in, I wouldn't even be able to function. It might sound drastical, but then death seemed like the only option.

My life was as good and happy as it was gonna get, I was pretty sure about that, I was starting to accept that, so matter how sad it was.

Angela followed me home and decided to apologize for what Rosalie had started, and I told her she shouldn't. I knew Rosalie just wanted the best for me, but she needed to start accepting, that I needed to deal with it myself and in my own time.

I got home and looked in the fridge, so I could make dinner. But there was nothing. I hadn't gone grocery shopping, since I hadn't asked one of the girls to go with me.

I took a deep breath and decided I would go by myself, no matter how scared I was. I needed food, and I didn't want to feel complete weak and call Angela to ask her, to come over again and go with me. I should be able to go to the grocery store alone. Maybe I should start conquering some of my fears. Not that I was ready, but I guess it was needed. I couldn't ask someone to hold my hand for the rest of my life. Was I really saying the truth, my honest opinion, when I said I was gonna be alone, with no man in my life, forever? I was very serious. I simply didn't believe it.

I grabbed my bag, knowing I had a peberspray in there. I didn't think I would never use it, even if someone attacked me, but knowing it was there, made me feel alittle safer.

The grocery store was also only 10 minutes away from me. Yes, that was on purpose too. That was also the reason I needed to work two jobs. My aparment laid in a very good area where everything was so close, and that was kinda pricey. But I would pay the price for that. And working two jobs made me have less free time, which I loved.

I made it to the grocery store and grabbed a basket. I was gonna do this as quick as possible. I wanted to go home again, into my safe bed and sleep.

Sleep and forget.

I used the setence alot.

I was looking at some meat, when someone tapped on my shoulder, and I froze. That had never happened before. Who could it be? What..

I turned around slowly to see a completely stranger looking at me. Relief, just alittle, at least. I wasn't really comfortable talking to any strangers.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to grab something."

"Uhm... yeah, sure," I smiled nervously and took a step to the side.

"I'm Nathan by the way."

What was he doing? Trying to start a conversation.. Was he hitting on me?

"I'm Bella."

"Oh, that's a pretty name. Does a the pretty girl have a boyfriend?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Lie, Bella, lie._

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry."

"No worries, can't blame a guy for trying," he smiled and turned around.

I took a deep breath.

I hurried through the rest of the store, so I could get home. I paid, packed my bags and pretty much ran home.

I put the bags in the kitchen and went to turn on the tv in the living room. It was usually on, to create some sound in the big empty aparment.

I saw my answering machine was blinking, and I went over to play the message.

"_Hey Bella, it's your dad. I haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are okay. I was hoping you would come home and visit your old dad some time, I miss you."_

My dad.. I still talked to him, but not as often as I should. But I always seem to forget calling him, which was weird, since I didn't have alot going on in my life.

The first couple of times we had talked together after I had moved, he had asked me and Jacob. He said Jacob had come to him, very angry, asking if he had seen me. I just said to him we had been in a big fight and I just left, not wanting to see him again. He thought Jacob was the reason I had left Seattle, but I told him it wasn't.

I didn't want him to go talk to Jacob. I wanted him far far away from him to be honest. There was nothing good about Jacob. I knew my dad had been very fond about Jacob, when I first started dating him.

I had no idea how he felt about him now, but he hadn't mentioned him since the first call.

Coming home.. There was no way I was coming there, I would much rather pay his plain ticket and have him come here.

I didn't know what I was gonna say to him when Christmas would be coming up. I moved in February, so it would be my first Christmas without him, well if he didn't want to come here. He might want to spend it with his girlfriend, which I totally understood. Yes, my dad had gotten a girlfriend, which I was happy about, so he had someone and wasn't alone after I left.

I didn't want to be alone this Christmas. But I didn't want my dad to come here for Christmas either. Christmas was a happy time, with smiles and laughs, joy. He wasn't gonna find that here.

I'd much reather keep him away from my misery.

I made myself some quick dinner.

I looked at the clock. 4 pm. Monday was the days I went to the psychologist late. It meant I didn't work at the club that night. I needed more time to prepare myself from that. Tuesdays and Thursdays I went at 12 pm.

I changed from my sweats, to a pair of nice jeans and brushed through my hair, since it was all messy from lying on the couch.

Again I grabbed my bag and hurried out the door.

Walking to the psychologist was not that bad. Because there was this calming feeling about it. Knowing I was going in surroundings I knew, going to see a sweet, familiar face and get everything out I didn't want to share with my friends, to a person, who was kinda of a stranger in some ways, who tried to help, but did everything in my time, and understood how much I could handle.

I entered the waiting room, and saw the faces I always saw. Nothing new.

I sat down and took the book I was reading. I read alot. It was a way to spend my time. And with reading you could get lost. Lost in the amazing storyline and how brilliant the author wrote. It took you to another world, where you where the main character, and you forgot about your own life, just for some time. Books saved me from almost going crazy from sitting around and thinking about all the things I should forget, and tried to put behind me, instead of keep bringing it up, add new things, try to say 'what if'. Because that was stupid. Unnecessary.

_I was broken._

I heard the front door open and looked up, wondering who it could be, since all the usual people were already here.

I looked up and saw the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. I looked down, not wanting the stranger to think I was staring.

Something about them seemed familiar.

I had seen them before.

In my dream..

_They were the eyes of the angel._

**A/N: I really hope you liked this chapter. Please leave a review and tell me what you think about everything. Like last time; telling me what you think about the concept of the story, how broken Bella is. What is with the green eyes she saw that the angel also had? I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**Susanne x**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: If you read my Robsten fanfic – Undisclosed Desires, you have already read this, but whatever:** **I'm sooooooooo super duper luper fuper boper goper sorry. I can't even explain to you how sorry I am, that it has been so long since I last updated, too long. It has been torturting me.**

**But school.. And not just too much homework, but I've had some decisions to take about the future, things that scares me. Not gonna get into that, because then this Author's Note is gonna be an essay instead. I've been so stressed out and sad, that writing hasn't been something I've been up to. But it's been in my head everyday. Knowing that I had to write, because I needed to update. So that has but an extra pressure on me.**

**I finally got time to write, FINALLY, and it felt so freaking great.**

**So here it is, and I really really really hope you'll like it.**

***IMPORTANT* I have written about a song in this 'Lost' by Anouk. It's kinda of perfect for this, I think so at least, and I listen to it while I wrote it, so go listen to it.**

**Here we go;**

I put my head down again. I lifted my eyes, and let them followed him as he sat down in a chair. He picked up a magazine from the table, flipping through it. I couldn't stop looking at him. I was mesmerized by his eyes. They were the eyes of the angel.

How was that even possible? I could swear it was the same eyes. It had been a dream, but the same eyes were right in front of me. It didn't make sense at all.

Everytime he looked up, I looked down in my book and around in the room. I didn't want him to see me staring at him, and I didn't want to stop looking at him. The green color in his eyes was beautiful. He didn't only have the most beautiful eyes, but his entire face was perfect, even this hair. His bronze hair, that was messy, yet perfect. He wore a pair of jeans and a hoodie, very laid back, but looked like a model.

Everything about him was inviting me in. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hear his story, why he was here. I always wondered why people were here, but with him I needed to know. I wanted to know everything about him.

What was I even thinking? Where was all of this coming from? He was a complete stranger.

But he didn't seem like a stranger, I didn't want him to be.

What.. I hadn't been thinking this about anyone since I came here. I had met alot of beautiful men, nice men, but I never wanted anything, I never thought about them. I just wanted them to leave me alone. Not in a mean way, just that I didn't want to talk to guys. I just wasn't going there again, ever.

So what about this guy did this to me? And so fast. It was those eyes. I had just dreamt of these eyes and know there where here in front me. Was this a sign?

_Bella, stop._

I looked down in my book, determined to keep them there. But it was hard. I just wanted to look at him.

How could this even happen? Lately I had started thinking about, that this was it for me. I would be alone, and I would be fine with that, because I refused to put myself out there and get hurt again. Hurt didn't even cover it. I was afraid of love. The most natural thing in the world. You meet a guy, fell in love and had a perfect life together. And I thought I had that, I thought I knew everything about my future. I wanted to become a teacher, I wanted to marry him and we would get kids. Buy a beautiful house a little outside town. We would grow old together, sit outside hand in hand, looking back at our wonderful life, not having regrets, because we loved each other and had been there for each other all the way.

That future had been shattered. I didn't dare to dream of a new one. That meant I would have to love someone, not something I even thought I was capable of again.

"Mr. Cullen."

He got up from his chair. I followed him with my eyes, my head still down, as he walked into the room next to the one I always was in. I kept my eyes on him until the door was close, and he was gone.

I sat back in my chair and leaned my head back against the wall as I closed my eyes. I had this weird feeling.

Was it... missing?

_Bella, what is wrong with you?_

I didn't even know this man. Here I sat, with a feeling of missing someone I didn't know. Maybe I missed looking at his face? He had been gone for 2 minutes, and I was already thinking about if I would ever seen him again, if I would ever get a chance to talk to him. I hoped I could get to know him, get to know his story. I wanted to trust him and tell him everything.

What.. What was it about this man? This was the first time I had ever seen him. Seen him – I hadn't even talked to him.

What about him had drawn me in? It was his eyes, it had to be. _From the dream.. _How a stranger's eyes could be apart of my dream, I didn't understand.

Was it a sign of some kind? Was he the one?

Why was I even going over this? I wasn't gonna date anyone, I wasn't ready for commitment, for someone to expect me to love them back. I felt like I was never gonna be ready.

When my session was over and I got back to the waiting room, I scanned the room to see if he was there. But why would he be? If his session was over too, he wouldn't still be there. He would have gone home.

Would I ever seen him again? There was a possibility. Maybe this wasn't a one time thing. Maybe he was gonna be here every time. Maybe not the same days at me.. That couldn't happen, I needed to see him. There was something about him, and I couldn't look away, I wanted more.

Tomorrow I would be back.

_Please god, let him be here._

I didn't know if I believed in God. I had went over this many times in my head, when I just sat in my apartment, staring into emptiness.

Could he exist? And if he did, would he really put me through all of this? Why me? He should've saved me from this misery, from this hole in my heart, in my life. Not a hole from missing a loved one. No, a hole there was the reason I was never gonna love again. That part of me was gone, now there was just a big hole. It was like I could feel it. It was the emptiness.

But then I also thought.. God could exist and it was my own fault everything had happened. He could've tried tohelp me, but I was the reason it didn't help. Because I shut the world out, I shut everything out. My thoughts, my emotions, my memories.

_Everything._

I hadn't allowed myself to do anything.

The time I was with him.. With him was the wrong words.. The time I tried to escape and was hold down, beaten every day. Yes, that was the right words.

That time I read so many books. I sat in a chair and read everything. But if you asked me what the books was about, I wouldn't be able to tell you. If you asked what books I read, I wouldn't be able to mention one, not even one.

Yes, I had read them, but then I hadn't. I opened the book and read every word, but it didn't get into my brain. My eyes saw the words. My eyes read the books. It sounded so weird, but that was how it was.

Because when I was alone in the apartment, before he got home, I just sat there, shut everything out. It was like I was sleeping. I didn't register a thing.

And when he came home, the only thing I could think was.. It was hard to think back at this..

_Come on, Bella. _

_Don't cry._

_Be strong._

_It'll be over soon._

_He'll leave you alone soon._

_You can run soon._

I told myself I could run soon, but I didn't allow myself to _dream_ of it. I had no dreams for myself, I had no hope. I had lost all of that.

I got home and threw my keys on the table. I poured myself some water and went to my bedroom to change into some sweatpants.

Tonight was my night off from the club. Mondays was my late session at the psychologist, so I didn't work after that. I was always so wrapped up in my thoughts after that, even though I didn't really think about anything. I just sat at home.

Lately I had been thinking though. About everything. About _Jacob. _If I could have done anything different, if he could. What I could've done so this wouldn't have happened, why it did happen.

Which was all stupid, because no matter how hard I tried to forget it, push it away like it hadn't happened, it came back. It was like a nightmare that would haunt me forever.

So I stopped pushing it away, and tried to think about it, stupid or not. But what else could I do?

But tonight I wasn't gonna be thinking about that, not about him.

No, there was another him. Him, the guy from the waiting room.

_Mr. Cullen._

I wanted to know his first name.

I didn't even try to guess his name. It would be something special, beautiful, just like him.

How.. How could.. I didn't even wanna ask myself this again. I wouldn't know the answer. There was just something about him. I didn't know what was so special. I had never looked at any guy this way before. He was the first.

I hadn't looked at boys, at all.

When I went out with the girls, that wasn't what I was doing. I was just sitting there, to be honest. I loved hanging out with Rosalie and Angela, but more like at home, watching a movie or going out to eat. Clubs wasn't my thing. I just went so I wouldn't sit alone. Also to shut Rosalie up, because I couldn't handle her comments about how I should go out, see some guys, have fun, start dating again. She had a hard time accepting I wasn't ready. But I loved her, and she was always there for me, so I could shut that out.

I grabbed my iPod from the coffee table and put in my headphones. I flipped through my songs until I found the perfect one.

_Starry eyes that make me melt  
>Right in front of me <em>

His eyes. I was praying they would be in my dream again. Yes, dream. Last night I had had a dream for the first time in such a long time. Because of the angel and the eyes.

Maybe that was why I was so wrapped up in him? Maybe I was so interested in him, because he had the eyes of the angel in my dream. How was that even possible?

_Lost in this world  
>I even get lost in this song <em>

I was lost in this world, so lost.

I didn't know the way back.

I couldn't see the light, couldn't see where I should go to get to the door that led out to the way back.

_Your voice makes my skin crawl _

I wanted to hear his voice, so bad.

I wanted to see his mouth move as he said his name.

I wanted to feel his lips aga...

Stop Bella, don't do this to yourself.

What was I even thinking?

_You're still a picture in a frame _

He couldn't just a picture in my head, or someone I only maybe would see again.

I wanted to get to know him, hear his story.

That was also one thing about moving on, getting a boyfriend.. Would I have to share my story? I guess the guy would have to know, to know the real me, why there was things I couldn't do, why I would be an emotional wreck.

_I get lost in your eyes _

I had gotten so lost in his eyes, I hadn't seen or heard anything around me, I was only focused on him.

That was the last thing I heard, before I fell asleep.

I woke up and looked at the clock. If I didn't hurry I was gonna be late. First; work at the pizzaria then psychologist and at last a short shift in the club. The only thing I could focus about was the psychologist.

My shift at the pizzaria went by so fast, because the only thing I could think about was if he was there. How much I wanted to see him. _Talk to him. _

I hurried home and showered and threw on some new clothes. Everything was going so fast in head. I just wanted to get there.

I got to the building and took a deep breath before I pushed open the door.

It felt like my heart dropped as I looked around the room and he was nowhere to be seen. I was kinda of disappointed. I walked over to my usual chair, keeping a positive mind, knowing he could walk in through the door any moment. I pulled out my book, but my eyes were on the door the entire time.

"Ms. Swan."

I sighed and got up. I slowly walked to the door, and lost hope about seeing him again, as I got into her office.

I wasn't really present at the session today. She probably thought I was having one of my days where I was too fraglie to talk about it. And that was fine. But is wasn't the reason.

"I think I'm gonna go now."

"But Bella, you've only used half of your time."  
>"Yeah I know, but I don't feel so good today."<p>

She looked at me concered. "Call me if you need to talk, okay?"

"I will, thank you."

I shook her hand and put on my coat.

I got into the waiting room. What did my eyes do? Scan the room to see if he was there, but he wasn't. I walked home, sad and disappointed. I had been so excited.. it wasn't the right word.. but something like that, to see him, and then he wasn't there. Now I was hoping he would be there Thursday. Then I would just have to get through Wednesday. That should be easier.

Easier said than done.

My shift at the pizzaria had been cancelled, so I had the entire day off, until 7 pm where I had to go to the club.

I spend the day sleeping, flipping through the tv channels and eating. Oh and thinking about him. If he wasn't gonna be there Thursday, I would go crazy. I just had to see him. If he wasn't there I would have to hope he was there Monday, and that would be a long weekend, since it was my weekend off both jobs.

I was half asleep as someone knocked on my door. I froze, like I always did. I got up from the couch and walked to door slowly, being as quiet as I could. I looked through the spy hole in my door and sighed in relief as I saw Rosalie stand on the other side. I turned the key and opened.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"We are going to work, remember?"

"Yes, but isn't it too early?"  
>"You have been sleeping. We have half an hour, so you need to get dressed now."<p>

"Yes ma'am."

I ran to the bedroom and looked through my clothes to find something decent.

"Find something sexy."

"Why?"  
>"It's good to look hot when you go out."<p>

"Rosalie.."

"I know, I know."  
>"And we aren't going out, we are going to work."<br>"You can look sexy at work too.

"You are too much."

As we walked to work the sun was going down.

New Work was so beautiful. I hated that I couldn't go outside alone, go for a walk. I think it would be good, to get out of that little apartment when I was alone. You could go down the same street in New York a thousands times and you would see something new everytime. It was the city that never slept.

If only I could go outside alone..

I had tried to many times, but the fear I felt by doing it, wasn't worth it, it really wasn't. The way my heart started beating fast, in the most horrible way, the way it felt like I couldn't breathe, the way it felt like someone was following me.

The streets I walked on to get to the pizzaria, the psychologist, the grocery shop, I knew those. I hated walking on them too, but I could just get through. I knew those streets. And even if I would get that feeling, I would still go those ways. I would never ask anyone to go to the grocery shop with me, because I was too scared myself.

And I would never want Rosalia or Angela to walk me to the psychologist. That was too private. They knew I went, but they didn't know where. That was something I kept to myself.

I had asked them to walk with me to the club though, that was it. It was getting dark when I walked there and it was completely dark when I walked home. I couldn't do that alone, no way in hell.

Tonight had been a fun night at the club. There had been alot of girls, a bachelor party. I hated the nights where it was guys having a bachelor party. There would always be some drunk guys hitting on me. Rosalie always took over for me, she knew I didn't like it.

That was also something I had thought about.. Jacob was never drunk when he beat me. In movies the man was usually drunk when he did it. But Jacob wasn't. He was sober, he knew what he was doing. Which only made it hurt even more. I had been nothing to him. Had I ever? Even before the beating began.. Did I ever mean anything to him? Or did he just play me?

Rosalie followed me home and I was too tired to do anything so I took of my clothes off and went to bed, just wanting tomorrow to come, so I could go again, and hopefully he would be there. He just had to.

Again, my shift at the pizzaria went by super fast, and I hurried home again, taking a shower. I looked in the mirror, dragging my fingers through my hair. I was actually caring about how I looked. I never did that, never. I hate when the girls made me wear makeup, do my hair, wear fancy clothes. I didn't care about how I looked. I wasn't dressing to impress.

But right now I cared. I had such high hopes that he would be there.

I finally arrived and walked inside.

I stopped as I saw him. My heart started beating faster, in the good way.

Not only was he here, looking more beautiful than ever, but he was sitting in the chair next to mine.

When I realised I stood still in the door, I started walking over to my chair. How should I approach this? Should I talk to him. God, I wanted to so bad. Why was he even sitting there? It wasn't anybody's chair, so of course he could sit there, but the one he sat in Monday, was also free.

I sat down, and hesitated before I pulled out my book.

It was awkward sitting here next to him. I couldn't lift my eyes and look at him, it would be too obvious.

In the corner of my eye I could see he suddenly moved alittle. Before I could even think about what he was doing, he opened his mouth.

"H-Hello," he stuttered. "My name is Edward Cullen."

His voice was indescribable. It was soft, yet husky in the most sexy way.

_Edward.._

_Edward Cullen.._

His name was special. It was so perfect. So was his voice. How could everything about one person be so perfect?

I looked up and directly into his green eyes. It was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen.

"Can I.. Can I ask your name?" I could feel his breath on my face, that was how close his face was to mine. I didn't know, when I looked up, that he would be so close, but there his face was.

His breath smelled sweet.. It was perfect. It was the only word I could use to describe him. _Perfect._

"I'm B-B-Bella." I felt like an idiot, stuttering. It was so cute when he did it, but me, I just seemed stupid.

"You have a beautiful name, Bella." I feel a blush spread across my face.

Hearing my name come from his mouth, feeling his breath on me as he said it.. It was mesmerizing. I wish he would touch me. Just shake my hand, just something. I wanted to feel his skin against mine.

**Edward**

Would she think it was weird I was sitting here? I didn't the last time. But I just wanted to sit close to her. I wanted to know her.

I felt so weird, thinking about a girl I didn't even know, someone I had only seen once, but there was something about her.

As she sat down in the chair beside me, I could smell the fruity, sweet scent of her shampoo. Her long brown hair was laying perfect on her shoulders, framing her gorgeous face.

We sat for a moment, and then I finally pulled myself together. I wanted to know her name, I needed to know. For that, I would have to ask.

"H-Hello, my name is Edward Cullen," I stuttered. Why couldn't I just talk? She must think I was stupid or something. I felt stupid, fucking embarrassing that I couldn't even say 'hello' without stuttering. She was just a girl.

No, she wasn't just a girl. There was so much more to her. I didn't even know her, but there was something about her that made her different from everyone else.

"Can I.. Can I ask your name?"

Her eyes was staring into mine, and never had I seen such big, soft, warm, beautiful brown eyes.

"I'm B-B-Bella." She stuttered even more than I did. I could feel my mouth turning into a smile, but stopped it. I didn't want her to think I was laughing at her, because she stuttered. She was just so sweet, I couldn't help it.

"You have a beautiful name, Bella."

Something about saying her name felt right. Bella.. the name was so perfect for her.

The blush that spread across her face did things to me, I couldn't explain.

_Bella.._

**A/N: Sooooo what did you think? There was a little EPOV in this, did you like that? You'll be getting alot more Edward, of course. Did you like... Just tell me everything you think about this chapter please.**

**I love reviews, hearing you guys' thoughts. Reviews are like Christmas presents! They make me so happy and I'm very grateful for them.**

**I really hope you like this chapter! Thank you so much for reading. **

**Susanne**


	4. Chapter 4

**So finally, a new chapter. This is in Edward's point of view. I wanted you all to know his background, his story. This isn't a fanfic mainly about Bella in the beginning, it's about them both. **

**EPOV**

"_Get over here," he yelled. _

_I didn't move. If I did as he said or not, the same would happen. _

_Pain._

_Pain would happen. I was 12 year old boy, and pain, bruises and beating was a part of my life. _

_I could hear my little sister cry, but I didn't turn around to look at her, to try and comfort her. I had to keep my eyes on him. She was never beaten, only because I took the hits for her. She was 10 years old, I didn't want that to happen to her. Yes, I was only 2 years older, but much more mature. I had dealt with more things than a 40 year old. _

_I protected my little sister with my life. She was the only thing that got me through everything, the only reason I kept living and didn't end my life. _

_He took a step towards me and his hand flew out and smack my cheek so my head turn to the other side. I saw a glimpse of my mother, standing in the corner of the kitchen._

_My mother.._

_I thought she loved us, me and my sister. I thought she would protect us from this, run away with us. But she didn't. She didn't do a thing. She just stood there and looked away when he was beating me. Every single day. In the beginning she came and held me until I fell asleep, but that stopped. We were left alone, we had nothing._

_I looked back at him, right into his eyes._

_My father had beaten me since I was 8 years old. _

I wasn't a good person, but who could blame me with the past I had. I know I had gotten a new family when I was 13, but that didn't heal the scars. The scars were still there and they still burned. I was 23, and my life had always been fucked up. Even though I had gotten the best new parents, Carlisle and Emse, that anyone could dream of, it wasn't enough. Would I never heal? No. I still struggled.

After I got out of that house, I shut the world out for 2 years. I didn't really go to school. They tried to take me there, but I couldn't handle being around those people. I had a bad temper, and the smallest thing could piss me off. I could get violent really fast. The only two people I had respect for was Carlisle and Emse, because they took so good care of Alice, and me. Me and my sister was so close, I can't even explain it. But we had been through something so.. so horrible together. She had held me up, made sure I didn't do anything stupid. I couldn't really do anything stupid. No matter what I did, he would hit me, hard. I was just a kid.

The smile on his face was something that was burned into my mind forever. I could still see it.

We were his kids and he could still do that..

I wanted to kill him, I hated him, more than anything. I hated him, and if I saw him, I would kill him. For everything he had done to me, to my sister.

And my mother.. I didn't even wanna think about her. What she had done was almost worse. I had counted on her, I had thought she loved us, wanted us. I was convinced that some day she would say it was time to run, and she would run with us. Far far away, and we would be free. Start a normal life, go on. She would love us, take care of us. But no.

She kept us there. She never said a thing to him, never tried to stop him. She was so afraid to get beaten herself. She cared more about herself than for her fucking kids.

She wasn't my mother. Yes, she had given birth to me, but she wasn't my mother. And he wasn't my father. Your mother and father is suppose to give you love, help you, care for you, do anything for you.

Me and Alice was left alone. Not only were we left alone, we were beaten. Well, I was. A few times I had come home to find Alice crying and seeing a bruise on her face. The anger rose inside me, but she calmed me down, made sure I didn't say anything to him, because that would mean alot more than just some hits with his hands. We both knew that. It had happened one time.. I couldn't even think back to that.

My teen-years was not something I was proud of, it was something I hated myself for. Suicide had been in my mind several times. I knew what I did was wrong, so wrong, so horrible. I was a monster.

But when I was on the high with my drugs, when the alcohol took over me, I didn't care about anything. I didn't have friends. The people I hung out with wasn't friends. It was people I took drugs with, people I drank with. I would do it alone, but I couldn't get drugs and alcohol. I had to get it through them. I also stole from Carlisle. I knew where he hid money. I felt fucking terrible about it, but then I got drunk and I forgot it. And when I was in the situation of stealing, I just thought of the powerful feeling the drugs and alcohol gave me. Nothing could touch me, I was invincible.

I was 15 when all this started. I went out for a walk one night, and got to talk with some guys. Then it all started.

It stopped again when I was 18. I came home one night, totally fucked up. I had gotten some wrong drug, something really strong, too strong for my body to handle. It felt like I couldn't breathe, it felt like my throat was closing and my heart beat slower. Carlisle found me on my floor and my puls was way too low. He got me to the hospital.

After that they send me to rehab, and I didn't reject. I knew I couldn't go on like this. Taking drugs, drinking alcohol, fucking girls every night, it wasn't the life I wanted for myself.

Yes, fucking girls. I never made love. Love didn't exist. I had love for my sister, Carlisle and Emse, the only 3 people I had respect for.

I fucked girls, I fucked alot of girls. And it was rough. If they couldn't take things my way, they could fucking leave. I wasn't gentle, I didn't care about their needs. I cared for my own, that was the only thing that mattered.

I looked back at that time with regret, hate, sorrow, disappointment. It was disrespectful to Carlisle, Esme, also Alice.

Carlisle and Esme.. I did call them mum and dad, because they were real parents. They loved us, cared for us, helped us. They never let us down. They had done so much for me, and I didn't know how I was ever gonna thank them.

When we came to their house, they wanted to send us to a psychologist. Alice went, but I didn't. Alice is okay today. She had been since she was 16. She started seeing the psychologist when she was 11, when we had just gotten out of the house, and then for 5 years. She had dealt with everything. She lived her life. Made friends, laughed, smiled, seeing everyday as new and exciting. I admired her.

I had gotten out of rehab when I was 19. I had spent a year there. Well, I had been in and out for a year, because I started using again. But when I was 19 I was completely clean. I didn't take any drugs, I didn't touch any alcohol.

Today I was 23 and I still didn't touch alcohol, I couldn't. I was afraid it would take over me again, destroy me. I would disappoint all the people I loved, I couldn't do that. So I stayed away from it. I didn't really have friends. After rehab I was homeschooled so I could graduate High School. Carlisle and Esme wanted me to have the chance of going to college.

I wasn't in college. I couldn't take that step. I just wasn't ready for a big challenge. I was sure that around the corner there would be something to take me down. _My past.._

My past would always haunt me, always slow me down, stop me from doing things.

I didn't want to fail anything again. I had already failed at life once, I was not gonna fail anything again. I wouldn't be able to handle that. It would just be too much.

But could I fail again? I had already been through so much, I didn't deserve to fail again. It wouldn't be fair. Why did I have to be punished? I didn't understand why all this misery had hit me. It was too much to handle for one person. It just wasn't fair, that one person had to go through that.

So if I would fail again, I wasn't sure about, but I didn't take any chances. I also needed to be completely sure what I wanted to study, which I wasn't, at all. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

I still lived at home, and I didn't work. Carlisle earned alot of money, so that wasn't a problem.

I guess I had also had some luck in my life. My new family.. No, my real family was very rich. Not that money meant a thing. As long as I had the two most loving parents in the world, I didn't need anything more.

Alice also lived at home. She went to a college in town, but didn't live on campus. I had asked her why she hadn't moved, but she never really gave me an answer. Sometimes I thought it had something to do with me, but I hoped it wasn't the reason. She couldn't put her life on hold for me, until I was ready to move on. _If that would even happen.._

I had talk to Alice about our past. She was the only one I had talked to about it. I had told her that she didn't owe me a thing, just because I took the hits for her. I told her she couldn't think that, because I didn't want her to think she owed me anything, nothing at all. It had been my own choice to do it. And I did it to protect her. I always wanted more for her. I know it sounds like alot of thinking for a little boy, but I was very mature for my ages. I guess that came with being left alone, being beaten, never getting love, never having someone to fight for you, care for you. I grew up alot faster because of it. I had to.

I had finally started seeing a psychologist. It had taken alot of years, but now I finally did. I knew it was the only way I could move on, just a little. It gave me the possibility at least. I was 23 and wanted to do something with my life, not just sit in my room, staring out my window, thinking about how things could have been.

What if I had grown up in a loving family? With a father who went to work, came home and helped me with my homework and when we were done, he would teach me how to play soccer. I would have a mum who cooked dinner every night, she would smile when I came home from school and say "how was your day?" She would blow on my knee it was bleeding and she would sing me to sleep.

I would be a normal High School boy. I would have alot of friends, play on the school's soccer team and probably have a sweet girlfriend.

Then I would go to college, read something, get a job, a house, a wife. We would get some kids, maybe a dog. We would grow older together and I would look back at my life with a smile on my face.

But apparently I wasn't one of the million lucky ones. I had to struggle. Struggle really really bad. I got through everyday, and I could see more positive things in life than I could when I was in that house, or when the drugs and alcohol kept me up, but my life wasn't sunny, filled with rainbows and sugar.

My life was an eternal battle.

I was a fighter, and I did my best.

–

My first time at the psychologist, that's when I saw her.

I couldn't get her face out of my head.

I had walked in the door and seen her as the first thing. When she looked up from her book and I saw her eyes.. They were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Her dark brown hair.

Her glowy skin.

It was hard to keep my eyes away from her, but I tried. She probably thought it would be weird if some stranger was staring at her.

_Stranger._

I didn't want to be that.

I wondered what her name was. It was probably something beautiful, just like her.

I wondered what a young women like her was doing here. What could have happened to her, for her to be here.

I hoped that it wasn't anything bad. I couldn't handle that. This beauty didn't deserve that.

I didn't even know her, and I was already so into her.

She could have a boyfriend.

_Please, don't let her have a boyfriend._

Why was I going there? Was I even gonna talk to her?

I hadn't talked to girls, it was not something I did. I never wanted anyone, there had never been anyone special.

My name was called and I looked at her quickly. I got up from my chair and walked into the room.

I was already hoping to see her again. I wanted her to be here the next time I came. I couldn't wait to see her again. I would probably never talk to her, but just to look at her, that was enough. I had never seen anyone so beautiful, never.

I couldn't even concentrate in my session. I just saw her in my head.

There was this weird feeling inside me, and I couldn't really explain what it was. I didn't know myself. I hadn't felt it before, that was for sure.

But I hadn't felt alot in my life.

The only thing I felt in the house as a kid was love for Alice and hatred towards my fa.. the man I lived with. In my teen-years the drugs and alcohol numbed me, which also was the reason I took them. To shut everything out. I didn't have to deal with anything. I didn't have to think about anything. The world was shut out. I couldn't remember the pain I had once went through, mentally and physically.

I saw the drugs and alcohol as my friends. Wasn't friends someone who helped you through things? Made you laugh, forget everything and just have a great time, worry about the new day tomorrow. They were someone that supported you and was there for you when you were sad.

That was what drugs did for me.

That was what alcohol did for me.

They were my friends.

–

The second time I went she wasn't there. I decided to sit down in the chair next to the one she sat in the last time, hoping she would come. I didn't know what I was planning on to do, but I just wanted to do something.

When I saw her walking through the door, everything was just better. She sat down next to me, and I kept my head down in my magazine.

Suddenly I turned around and said something to her. I could see it came as a surprise to her, and I even surprised myself. It came out of nowhere. But to be honest, I was glad it had. Now I had started a conversation.

She answered me, and I can't even describe her voice. It was like sweet music, a melody I wanted to play again and again, over and over.

I had been right; her name fitted perfectly to her beauty. Bella – _beautiful._

As I told her she had a beautiful name, the most perfect blush spread across her face.

The conversation stopped as her name was called.

She smiled at me and walked away.

I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath.

I couldn't believe that I had actually talked to her. Now I just wanted to know more about her.

The next couple of days I spend thinking about her. It was weird that she could do this to me, make me feel this way, and she was just a stranger. No, I mean, I knew her name and I was determineded to find out more.

I kept saying her name in my head.

_Bella._

_Bella._

_Bella._

"Bella," I whispered. It was odd to say it out loud and it gave me this butterfly-feeling in my stomach. She made me feel things I had never felt before.

I guess that was kinda of easy though, since the only things I had felt was;

Love for Alice, Carlisle and Emse.

Hate for the man who ruined my life.

Loneliness.

Emptiness.

It was Monday again. I hoped I was gonna see her again.

_I had been missing her._

I walked through the door and she was already there. I hesitated before I went to sit down next to her.

She looked up and smiled at me, which made me all warm inside.

We had been sitting in silence for some time and I looked at her.

"Bella," butterflies, "can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," she smiled. _How could she be so damn perfect?_

"Would you.. uhm would you.. w-wanna go out sometime?"

I regretted asking the moment it was all out.

**So what did you think? How do you feel about Edward's past? He sure has been through alot. His life is a battle. Do you like this Edward? Just tell me everything. I love your reviews and I love to hear your thoughts. Reviews is like food – the best thing ever!**

**I really hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so much for reading.**

**Susanne**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I have to talk about some music before we get started with the chapter.**

**Writing this and getting ideas for this, I've been listening to alot of different music, finding alot of new songs that I can listen to while I write, and that can inspire me. And I have found that, alot actually. **

**On my profile you'll see I've made a "playlist" - that is the music I listen to when I write, and there will be added alot along the way.**

**Also there is a "songs in chapters" - because it's not all the lines from songs (because I think I'm gonna use quite a bit of small lines. from songs lyrics in this fanfic) that I use, where I listen to the song. And also, I might use a song, where it's only the few lines I have used that fits into the fanfic, the rest doesn't.**

**And at last; if you have any songs you might think will fit this fanfic, tell me, thank you.**

**BPOV**

I didn't know if I was surprised or shocked.

I mean, I was surprised he had asked me that, but I was also shocked that he had.

I mean, this was our second time talking together. We had said 5 sentences to each other, that was it. And he was asking me this already..

I wanted to know his story, I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to hear his voice over and over. I wish his voice was a song so I could put it on replay. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted to brush my fingers over his cheek. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I wanted to feel his lips against mine.

_I wanted him._

I had no idea what was wrong with me. Something had to be, because I had never been like this before. I hadn't thought these things about someone in a really long time.

There was one more thing I also wanted; to know why I was so drawn to him. What about him did that to me, I needed to know. I guess talking to him would give me my answer. It couldn't just be his looks, I had never been a shallow girl. I cared about the inside. I mean, yes, he was absolutely beautiful. He was so different from all the other similar-looking guys.

He had these deep, forest-green eyes, bronze hair. I couldn't say what it was about his face, but it was just.. wow. He was tall and I could see his biceps through his shirt.

I looked at him, realizing that he was waiting for an answer.

I looked into his eyes and saw hope, yet his look was nervous.

I nodded. "Yes," I said quietly.

His eyes were still sad. I realized how I had answered him and smiled. I didn't want him to think I didn't want this.

His look changed, it was filled with joy.

"Tomorrow night?" he stuttered, smiling nervously.

Tuesday night.. I would have to get Rosalie to take my shift at the club. Then I would also have to tell her why. I could do that. I just didn't want her to freak out, be all excited, say "I told you so" and all that jazz. This was gonna go slow. I didn't know what this with me and Edward was, if it even was something. I wasn't sure.

"Yeah sure," I smiled.

We agreed on where we were going and when we were meeting. We chose a little bar. I had been there once. It was very small, dark. Actually pretty nice. Just the place I wanted us to go. A place where there wouldn't be alot of people, where we could just talk.

His name was called and he got up from the chair. "See you tomorrow then."

Again I just smiled. I was kinda of speechless. To be honest, I had no idea what just happened. I was going on a _date_?

I had never thought that would happen. Rosalie had tried to set me up several times, but it just didn't seem right. I simply couldn't go through with it. I had accepted that I was gonna be alone, which was my own choice. A choice I was.. not happy about, because I wanted someone special in my life, but something I could live with, because I knew that I would never have to have my heart broken again, which would cause it to shatter, I wouldn't have to fight, I wouldn't have to be afraid that something like my past could happen again. I just didn't trust anyone to be good to me.

But this with Edward seemed right. So right. Which I didn't understand. After everything I had told myself, after all the things I had thought through about being alone, being able to accept that. All that didn't count anymore apparently.

_But only because it was Edward._

I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath, trying to take everything in.

–

"_Jessica, come on." _

"_Bella, relax."_

_I wanted to go home from the club. I was tired. It had been a long day at work and I wasn't in the mood to be here. Jessica just insisted on going so I had said yes to shut her up. _

_She had seen these two guys and invited them to sit with us, which was fine. But now she was all over them, it was disgusting. Me and Jessica wasn't the best friends, and there was many times where she annoyed the hell out of me. And she was such a skank, to be honest with you. _

_I sat with my drink while the three of them was totally busy with each other._

"_Jacob!" I looked at one of the guys. He was waving at someone. I looked around to see who it was, and I saw someone walking towards us. He looked kinda of cute._

"_Hey, I'm Jacob," he introduced himself. He sat down on the other side of the table. "What's your name?" He was smiling the entire time._

"_I'm Bella."_

"_That's pretty."_

_I blushed. I didn't do very well with compliments. _

_We spend the entire time talking, while Jessica was busy with the two disgusting guys. _

_It was amazing how much we talked about in those two hours. _

_When Jessica's boys didn't give her enough attention, found some other girls, she started complaining, she wanted to go home. _

"_So, would you like to go out someday?"_

"_Uh yeah, we can do that," I answered him. _

"_Let me give you my number, so we can figure something out."_

_We exhanged numbers and when me and Jessica got up, he got up too and gave me a small hug with one arm._

–

Panick hit me. It felt like my heart stopped in some way.

I put on my jacket on and grabbed my bag. I got up from my chair and stormed towards the door. I hit the sidewalk and I started running. People stared at me, but I couldn't care less. I needed to get home where I was safe. I need to lock the door, crawl into bed. I needed to feel safe. I was freaking out.

I reached the door to my apartment and fumbled with the keys before I finally got the door open. I threw my bag and jacket on the floor and ran into my bedroom. I laid down in bed and hugged the duvet tight.

My heart was beating so fast, because of the running. Probably because of the fear too.

_I'm standing on a stage__  
><em>_Of fear and self-doubt__  
><em>_It's a hollow play_

Jacob was the last person who had asked me out. And how had that ended?

With a shattered Bella. I had been destroyed. I didn't trust myself. Saying yes to going on that date with Jacob was the thing I regretted most in my entire life. I knew I couldn't have known that it was gonna turn out like that, but I still hated myself for it. As much as I blamed Jacob for destroying me, I blamed myself just as much.

I had been beaten, and now I lived in fear._ Fear.._

I wanted to throw something at the wall, I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch the wall. I just needed to get this anger out of me in some way.

_My body is a cage _

Why did fuck had I said yes to go out with Edward? It could end just as horrible as the last had done.

I could go out with him, fall madly in love with him, even though I knew better, and I could end up letting him shatter me all over again. He could be just as horrible. He could be a monster too.

What was I doing to myself? Did I really want the worst for myself? Did I just let myself get hurt, because.. Why would I even get myself hurt? That didn't make sense, but it seemed like that was the stupid fucking thing I was doing. I knew better than to say yes to Edward. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have allowed myself to think those things about him that I had. It wasn't good for me. It could end up destroying me.

I took a deep breath.

I remember what I had been thinking in the waiting room.

_It felt right._

I was completely torn. Now I didn't know that do think.

I was so frustrated, I started to cry.

Some of me hated myself for saying yes, thinking it was gonna be a disaster, thinking it was gonna end absolutely horrible. But some of me wanted to go out with him. Because that part of me was sure he was different.

He was different. He just couldn't be like others. I wanted him to be good, to care..

I dried the tears away and tried to calm my breathing. I had to think clearly.

I could go with him. I could just do one date. I could do that. That could be it. One date, and then I wouldn't have to see him like that anymore.

Maybe one date could show me who he really was, if he was someone I could trust.

When I thought back to the day Jacob asked me out I was happy. I thought he was a cute guy and a date wouldn't be that bad.

But when Edward asked me out I got all nervous. I had wanted that and it felt right. The thoughts I had had about him..

It just seemed so much more right with Edward than it had done with Jacob. I already felt more comfortable with Edward than I did with Jacob after 5 dates.

I decided to sleep. That was what I needed. My heart was still beating fast. I just needed to close my eyes and sleep so I could shut out all of today's thoughts.

I woke up and stretched my body. I looked at the clock. 10 am. I never slept that long.

I got up and threw on some sweatpants. I started the coffeemaker and called Rosalie. She could come over and help me pick some clothes. I knew it was the wrong way to get her to keep calm about this, but I had no idea what to wear on a date. I wanted to be myself, but I still didn't want to go in worn jeans and a tanktop. She was much better at this than I was.

There was a knock on the door and I heard it open.

"In here," I shouted from the bedroom.

"What's up?" Rosalie stood in the door.

"Sit down on the bed, please."

"What's wrong, Bella?" she asked worried.

"Okay, you can't talk until I'm done. You can't freak out. You can't scream. You can't get all excited. This is very.. weird to me, and I don't even know what it is, so don't say anything.

"Yeah, so.. I've met this guy," as soon as the words left my mouth I could see the stars in her eyes," don't say anything! Yes, I've met this guy. I don't know what it is with him. I've told you I'm not ready to date, and I'm not, but there is something about him. I can't explain it to you.

"The only reason I'm telling you is because I really need you to take my shift at the club today.. Please? Oh... and to help find an outfit."

She got up from the bed and walked towards my closet. She opened it and started looking through things. Then she finally spoke.

"So you are telling me this because you need my help? Not because you wanted me to know." The last was a statement, rather than a question.

"Of course I wanted you to know Rosalie, I just didn't want you to be all excited, because I'm more scared than excited. I don't even know why I said yes, there's just something about him.. I have to get to know him." The last was a whisper, which I didn't hope she had heard.

"It's okay, Bella. No worries. I understand. I know I push you with dating guys. If you are not ready, you are not ready. I do understand, don't think I don't, just because I push you. I just want you to be happy."

I hugged her tight.

"Thank you, Rosalie."

She took a step back.

"What are we waiting for? Let's find that outfit!"

The rest of the afternoon consisted of alot of laughing and clothes all over my floor. At 6pm we ordered pizza.

"I don't know if I can do this Rosalie."

"Of course you can. Don't be nervous."

"I am a little nervous, but I'm way more scared. It's been so long. And you know I didn't have luck with love in the past."

"But Bella, just because one love went wrong doesn't mean you should shut everyone else out. There is someone out there that is gonna love you, just the way you deserve."

"I'm just afraid it'll take too many wrong ones to find the right one. I can't get my heart broken again. I just can't.." I faded out, not wanting to say too much.

I had many times considered telling Rosalie and Angela everything. Everything about my past, everything with Jacob. But I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. And to be honest, that wasn't the thing I cared about the most. There was two things; I was afraid they would make me tell someone, call the cops or some shit. I couldn't do that, I was too scared. Second, I was afraid that they would ask for details, what he had done to me, how it had been, how I gotten through. Things I wanted to forget, things I didn't even understand myself. I didn't want to think about what he had done to me. The only thing I allowed myself to think he had done, was destroy me. And how I had gotten through, I had no idea myself. I was surprised I hadn't killed myself. But then again, in that time I had felt dead already.

"It's time to go, Bella."

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at the clock. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I went over to the mirror and took one last look.

Black-washed skinny jeans, maroon flowy top, a jean jacket and some black converse. It was me, it was laid back, yet dressy enough. Rosalie really did do a good job at this.

I hugged Rosalie one last time and she gave me comforting smile before I closed the door behind me. The cab was already there.

I hated cabs, I never took a cab. That was also something I couldn't do. Sitting alone in a cab with a stranger.. No. But tonight I did. I pulled myself together and did it. It was a little better than walking alone, and there was no way I was gonna ask Rosalie to walk me to my date.

My eyes were closed the entire drive and when I could feel the cab stop, I opened them. I saw him standing next to the door of the bar and my heart started beating faster.

_I'm standing on a stage  
>Of fear and self-doubt <em>

I took a deep breath. I paid the driver and got out.

My heart was beating so fast. I placed my hand over it, I didn't know why. It was not like it was gonna make it stop. I was hoping though. And I was hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Hey," he said smiling.

_Oh god, his smile.._

"Hi," I smiled nervously, looking around, mainly in the ground.

We walked into the bar, and just as I knew; it was a small place, pretty dark, not many people. We got a table in the corner. Just what I wanted.

A waitress was at our table just as we sat down.

"I would just like a coke."

Coke? He wasn't gonna get a beer? I mean, we were at a bar.. And he looked like the beer type to me. To be honest, I could really use a beer to soothe my nerves, but he wasn't getting one, and I wasn't gonna drink one alone.

"Same for me."

None of us said anything until we got our drinks.

I wouldn't call it an awkward silence. We just kept looking down at the table, stealing glimpse of each other. I think I would have felt very uncomfortable with any other than Edward, but it seemed so.. It was just okay. The silence was okay. With Edward it seemed relaxed, it seemed natural.

I started sipping on my coke, waiting for him to say something. I didn't know how to start a conversation.

I had never been good at dating. I hadn't even been on alot of dates. I was bad at it, I was way too awkward. I never knew what to say.

"Where are you from?" he started.

I moved my eyes of the table and finally looked into his.

"I'm from Seattle. How about you?"

"Florida."

There was silence again for some time. I didn't know what I could ask. I didn't want to ask something he didn't want to answer. I wanted to know his past, but he was seeing a psychologist for a reason. He probably didn't want to share that with me, a stranger.

"Why did you moved?"

Fuck. I froze. This was the question I was afraid of. The only people that had asked me was Rosalie and Angela, and I had lied to them.

I didn't want to lie to Edward, I wanted to be honest with him, but I just couldn't share this with him, not now. What would he think? He didn't know me, and I would just be throwing my biggest secret at him. Edward couldn't feel sorry for me, no way. I couldn't have that.

I had to lie, even though I didn't want to.

"I just wanted to see something new, study somewhere else," I stuttered nervously. For some reason I was sure he was gonna know it was a lie and hate me for not being honest with him. I was so paranoid. There was also some part of me that said that it was stupid, how could he know I was lying, he didn't know a thing about me, but still..

"And you?" I added.

"Family brought me here. I also needed a change."

"So what are you doing now?" I was surprised it was me asking questions now.

"Nothing really. Still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I didn't end up studying anything. I'm just working two jobs to get money, trying to figure out the same."

Wow, I felt really comfortable.

"Where do you work?"

"Tony's Pizzaria and at night I work at Blues, the nightclub. You know, the one 10 minutes away from here."

"Yeah I know that one. Never been there."

"It's always packed full, but not with interesting people."

He laid his hands on the table and my eyes looked at them. I wanted to lay mine on the table to, close enough so I could touch his. Just a quick touch.

The entire night consisted of us talking about ourself; family, hobbies, childhood, never talking about anything deep. There was alot of silence too, alot of looking in each others eyes. It all seemed so natural, it was weird.

It was towards the end of the date he asked me.

"We should do this again."

I blushed. He wanted to see me again. I wanted to see him again, I really wanted to see him again.

"Yeah, we should."

"Can I.. I have your number? Then I can text or call so we can find a day again?"

Butterflies.

"Yes, of course."

We both pulled out our phones and exhanged numbers.

"Tonight has been great," he smiled.

Butterflies, thousands of butterflies.

"It has been so nice."

"I can give you a lift home if you need it?"

Did I want to sit in a car with him? Of course I did, but did I want him to see where I live? Could I handle being so close to him without putting my hand on top of his? I wasn't so sure.

"No, it's fine. I'll just take a cab."

"Are you sure?"

No, I would much rather drive with you. I hate cabs, and it's dark out. I'm scared as fuck, but..

"Yeah," I smiled, assuring him it was fine.

We got out on the sidewalk and there was already holding a few free cabs.

I took a step towards one and opened the door, setting my bag on the seat. Then I turned around to say goodbye to him. I wasn't sure how to do that. Should I just say 'goodbye' or should I give him a hug? I wasn't sure..

I turned around and he was much closer than I thought he was gonna be. I could feel his breath on my skin.

Did he want to.. Were we going to..

_Kiss.._

I wanted to take a step towards him, to close the distance between us, to get really close.

As I put my one foot in front of the other I stumbled, and he caught me, so I didn't end on the ground. Fuck. I just couldn't do anything right. Now I fucked this moment up.

He laughed quietly.

I took a step back, feeling awkward standing there in his arms. I could just feel my entire face being red. I was so embarrassed.

"Thank you for a lovely night, Bella," he smiled.

All I did was nod and smile. I got into the cab and closed the door. The car drove away.

I wanted to look back, and then again I didn't. I had never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

And he had fucking caught me so I hadn't landed on the ground. I had wanted to touch him the entire night, but not like that. Worst thing was; I hadn't even thought about it in the moment. That he had me in his arms. That his hands was touching me.

It might sound stupid, but I wanted the first time he touched me to be special, something I could remember as a special moment.

Now all I wanted to do was hit myself hard for being so fucking stupid.

_I could have kissed Edward Cullen.._

**A/N: So that was the end of this chapter.**

**Please leave a review and tell me your thoughts.**

**Thank you so much for reading. **

**Susanne.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So now there is finally a new chapter, yay. **

**I just wanna point out; I named the chapters. I really like when chapters have names. The names I come up with might suck, but it's names, so it'll do lol. **

**Here we go;**

**Edward**

As I stood there, looking after the cab driving down the street and finally turning around the corner, I realized that I must look like a fool. Not that I cared.

I wanted to follow the cab. I wanted to see where she lived.

I wish she had let me drive her home, I would have been more comfortable with that. I mean, sitting in a car with her would probably be a bit awkward. But then again, it wouldn't. I had been very nervous about tonight's date.

I'd had no idea what I should say to her, if I asked her things she didn't want me to know, if we wouldn't have anything to say to each other and we would just sit there in silence, awkward silence.

But it hadn't been like that.

We had talked, about everything. And she hadn't asked me a question I didn't want to answer, and it felt like I hadn't done it either.

I didn't want to tell her about my past. One, it was way too early for that. Two, I don't know, I guess I was scared of her reaction.

But we had talked and when there had been silence, it had been good silence, not awkward in any way.

Wow, she looked beautifil tonight.

Everything would just be perfect if she had just let me drive her home. I wasn't gonna beg her to let me do it. I just wouldn't be so _worried _if she had let me.

Yes, I was worried for her. Which seemed strange to me, but I was. I had this feeling that I wanted to know where she was all the time, how she was, who she was with. Which was... none of my business.

She wasn't mine, I didn't have the right to know those things, but damn, I wanted to so bad.

Tonight had been.. kinda overwhelming in some ways.

There was just something about her, and I didn't know what it was. It annoyed me, that I couldn't put words on it.

She was just so special and there was something about her that just made me wanna get to know her, know everything about her, _something that made me want her to be mine._

To be honest, I had always seen myself as a monster.

I always said I was never gonna be like my dad, but the time I drank and did drugs, I was exactly like him. That's how I felt at least. And I hated myself for it, which is why I got in deeper, to a point where I took more drugs in one day that anyone would ever believe was possible, I drank more alcohol in one day that it shouldn't have been possible for me to survive.

But maybe that was what I was going for; dying.

That's how horrible I felt about myself, how much I hated myself; so much that I wanted to die.

But it wasn't something I had ever thought about, dying, killing myself, and it wasn't the reason I drank and did drugs. Maybe it was deep down.

That's what I think, now that I look back.

I wanted Bella, I did. I know I hadn't known her for... I didn't know her, but I wanted to. Yes, she was so absolutely beautiful, but that wasn't the reason I was so drawn to her. It was one of the reason, I'm a guy, but there was so much more to her, I knew that without knowing her. I could just see it when I looked at her. And the way I felt when I saw her.. I had to try and make her mine. I would regret it if I didn't.

I was just so afraid. Even though I wasn't a monster anymore, even though I didn't drink or did drugs, the things that was the reason I was a monster, I was still afraid Bella would ever see that side of me. I couldn't have that happening. I never wanted her to see that, I never wanted to treat her like that. I didn't...

I was afraid of it. That was one of the reasons I'd never dated or tried to get a girlfriend. Because I was afraid I couldn't treat her right, my biggest fear; _turning into my dad._

But with Bella I had to try, I had to.

I wanted this to work. I wanted to give her what she deserved, and even though I knew I wasn't good enough for her, I would try. I would do everything I could.

_~This could be nothing  
>But I'm willing to give it a try<br>Please give me something  
>'Cause someday I might know my heart~<em>

I snapped out of my thoughts and went to my car.

On the drive home all I could think about was if she had gotten home safely, if she was okay, what she was doing.

When I arrived home I went to my room right away and laid down on my bed, closing my eyes.

I hadn't been still for long when my door opened, and in walked Alice. I opened my eyes and looked at her, as she sat down in the chair by my desk.

"How was tonight?"

"Alice, not now."

"Edward, you have to tell me about it. It was your first date, I want to know how it was."

"Alice, I don't know what to tell you."

"Was is nice? Could you talk to each other? Did you feel comfortable? Do you like her?"

I knew Alice was gonna be like this. When I had told her about the first I'd seen Bella she had been way too excited about. And when I told her I'd asked her out.. she basically went crazy, typical Alice. I knew she was like this, because she was so happy for me, she saw this as my step to move forward and finally "get out there". I was still held down by my past, but Alice, because she'd gotten psychologist help right when we got to Carlisle and Esme, had moved forward in her life already, had done for many years. Of course it would always be with her, but she didn't think about it, she put it behind her, because she wanted a life for herself, and she wasn't gonna let our past ruin that for her.

I guess I also had it worse, because I took all the hits for her too. But that is the reason I did it. Look at Alice now; she was so happy and doing what she loved. She was in college, she had alot of friends and enjoyed going out and laughing. That is what I had wanted for her, and seeing that it was happening, made all the hits I took for her worth it.

The reason I finally decided to see a psychologist, at the age of 23, was that I knew I couldn't just sit around forever. I needed to deal with my problems, get some kinda of closure, so I could move on, get a job, a life. Maybe even a girlfriend, _a Bella.._

"God, you have alot of questions, Alice."

"I do. Now answer them, please."  
>"Uhm.. It was nice, we could talk, there wasn't any awkward silence, and when there was silence, it was nice, it was comfortable. And if I like her..." I hesitated.<br>"Do you like her, Edward?" She raised her voice a bit, and I could just hear in her voice, that she was desperate for the answer.

"I do. God, I really like her. There is just something about her and... she's special."

"Then get to know her, for god's sake, go for it."  
>"I don't know.. I mean, I wanna get to know her, so bad-"<p>

"Then what is the problem?"

"I don't want her to know my past, and what if she doesn't want me to know hers? Or whatever other reason there might be for her to be at the psychologist."

"Why can't she know your past? I mean, you shouldn't tell her right away; if it came to the point of a 'you and her', then you could tell her."  
>"I'm scared."<p>

"Of?"

"That it'll make her run away from me. That she won't like me, that she'll see me as a monster.."

"Edward, stop that. She won't. It wasn't your fault-"

"I was the one taking the drugs, drinking the alcohol, using the girls-"

"And why did you do that? Because you came from a fucked up family and you didn't know better when you were pulled out of it. You hated yourself and.. We both know why it happened, so please don't blame yourself and think anyone will see you as a monster. Trust me, they'll understand when they hear where you came from."  
>"I don't know, Alice, I'm not so sure, that's why I'm so scared."<p>

"Don't be. I'm just so happy you've found someone you like. Please, don't ruin that because you are scared. Just try, please."

"I'll try."

She got up from the chair and walked to the door.

She turned around; "Goodnight," she said and closed the door behind her.

I crawled under the duvet.

It was nice talking to Alice, well sometimes. Sometimes I hated when she started with all the questions like that, talking about our past.. And especially when she tried to justify what I had done in my.. "monster years". I guess that was the right thing to call it, no matter what Alice said. No matter what anyone said, I would always see myself as a monster in those years, the monster I was afraid to turn into again.

But I was just so happy I could talk to Alice about everything. We told each other everything, we always had.

I woke up the next morning and grabbed my phone. It was only Wednesday. I would have to wait to tomorrow till I would see her again.

I went to my contacts to find her number. I wanted to text her. But what should I write? It might end up being an awkward message. It wasn't because I wanted to be one of those guys "oh, I'll wait till she calls or texts," I just really didn't know what to write. Should I thank her for an amazing night? Tell her I wanted to see her again?

I got up from bed, put on some sweatpants and grabbed my phone. I went to knock on Alice's door, because I was the sibling who knew how to do that.  
>"Are you awake?"<p>

"You can come in."

She was sitting, fully dressed, doing her makeup.

"What are you doing today?"

"I'm just going out with some friends. I need to get out of the house, even though I have a week off school."

I sat down on her bed and pulled out my phone, glanzing down at it.

"What do you want?" She turned around to look at me. "Ah, I see, struggling with the decision to text her or not."  
>"No, not really. I wanna text her, I just don't know what to write. I kinda want to ask her out again.."<p>

"Uh, that sounds exciting," Alice smiled too big. "Where do you wanna take her?"

"To.. my 'secret place'."

"But I thought you didn't want to tell her your past?"

"I don't have to, I can just say it's filled with memories."

"Wow, you must really like her, if you wanna bring her there. You haven't even showed me."

"Like I said, Alice, she's special. Just looking at her.."

"Sounds like someone is falling in deep," she winked.

"No, it's not gonna go that fast. I just hope.. that she might want the same as me; get to know each other better, to become friends and.."  
>"I get it, Edward. And of course she wants to-"<p>

"You don't know her."

"No, but if she can just see a bit of how much you like her, when you are with her, I'm pretty sure she'll want the same."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Hmm, let me put it like this; if you were a girl I would say 'girl, you are glowing so much, it's like you have put on waaay too much highlight'."

Her little joke made me laugh.

"But I don't think you should text her. Why not wait till you see her again?"

"I guess that is better. Surprisingly enough, I think I'm better with talking than texting."

"You are not a girl, that explains it all," she chuckled.

"Thanks Alice."

I walked downstairs to the kitchen, since my stomach was growling for food. I found a bowl, cornflakes and some milk. I sat down at the table, mixed it together and started eating while I flipped through the newspaper.

"Hey Edward."

I looked up.

"Hey dad. What are you up to?"

"Nothing. Work. I have these tickets to a baseball game Friday night, do you wanna come?"

Friday night.. That was the night I was showing Bella my secret place.. if she said yes, that was.

Baseball, basketball, football, all of that, wasn't interesting to me, but I did it with my dad anyways, so we could spend time together, because that I loved.

I was more of a 'sit at home and read a book'-type.

"Uhm, I can't."

He looked at me surprised, confused. I never did anything for myself, especially not a Friday night.

"What are you doing?"

Hopefully going on a date. No, I wasn't gonna tell him about Bella yet. Alice was one thing I could barely handle, but my parents, no. I didn't want them to get their hopes up and be happy for me and then it would all fall to the ground again. I would wait, till I knew what it was with Bella and me, and if it even was anything.

"Alice's making me watch this movie with her. I can't remember what it's called."  
>"Oh, I feel bad for you, boy," he laughed. "I can make her cancel it, I am her dad," he said smirking.<p>

"No dad, no needed, I'll probably survive," I laughed.  
>"Alright then. Good luck. I'm just gonna ask your mother then."<br>"Yeah, good luck with making her go," I chuckled.

I walked to my room and pulled out a book. That was how I was gonna spend my day. I needed something that would make me think about something else than Bella and tomorrow. Because to be honest I was kinda nervous about asking her. I mean, she had no idea what my secret place meant to me, but I did.

And Alice had been right; I must really like her, if I was bringing her there, because that place was special, it kept alot of memories, through good and bad times.

That night I went to bed, hoping I would dream about her, so I would see her face, but to my big disappointmeant, I didn't.

At 11:30am I got into my car and drove towards the psychologist. My heart was beating a bit faster than normal. The traffic annoyed me more than ever, because I just wanted to get there, to see her, to ask her.

I finally arrived and took a deep breath before I pulled the door open, and saw that she was already sitting in her chair, reading a book.

I sat down next to her, and she looked at me and smiled.

I grabbed a magazine from the table and flipped through it quickly.

Anyone would be able to see I was nervous.

I put it down as I realized I didn't have much time. Our named could be called at any minute.

I looked at her, without saying anything, because I didn't know what to say.

It seemed stupid that it was so hard to ask her out, it hadn't been the first time. I mean I had been nervous as fuck, but not like this time. This just meant alot to me.

I guess she could feel I had just been sitting there looking at her, because she looked up at me.

"What is it, Edward?" she asked hesitating.

"I wanna show you something," I just spit out. That wasn't how I wanted it to come out, but I guess it would be okay, because done was done, and I didn't know a way that could have been better to be honest.

"Okay," she answered, very confused.

"Would you.. go out with me again tomorrow? There's something I wanna show you."

"Yes, of course," she smiled, but she still looked a little confused.

"How about around 8?"

"That sounds great," she just kept on smiling in this way that did things to me.

"Ms. Swan."

She picked her bag up from the floor and looked at me.  
>"I'll see you tomorrow."<p>

Then she walked into the room and the door was closed.

I leaned back in my chair and felt relief.

But the nervousness was still there.

I had no idea what to expect about tomorrow, but no matter what..

It was gonna be _Bella and me, _and that was all I needed.

**A/N: **

**So what did you think? About Edward and Alice's conversations, about Edward's relationship with his dad. What to you think Edward's secret place is? And why do you think it's filled with memories? Please leave your thought in a review. **

**Oh and the '~' in front of text is the new indication that it's a song. And as always, the song from the chapter will be listed on my profile. **

**Thank you so much for reading. **

**Susanne**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: New chapter, yay.**

***If you read _Undisclosed Desires_: I wanted to update it before I left, but I didn't have time to write the chapter. I already had half a chapter of I Was Broken, which is why I was able to update it. I will update when I come home.**

**Because I'm going to Paris with my class, and will be home in a week.**

**Bella**

I threw my bag on the floor followed by my jacket. I didn't bother to hang it up.

I sat down on the couch, grabbed my book and leaned back.

I opened the book and started reading, but I couldn't concentrate.

Edward was all I could thing about.

"_I wanna show you something."_

What did he want to show me? It confused me.

I desperately tried to figure out what it could be he wanted to show me. What could it be... Was it something special? Just something small? Was it just an easier way to ask me out?

I didn't believe the last.

He had seemed every eager about it, yet I could tell he was kinda nervous, which made it even harder to figure out what he wanted to show me.

Were we alreday at a point where he would show me something that was special to him?

We had been on one date, and talked a little at the psychologist. And yet, we seemed closer than we probably would be after only having talked a bit and didn't know that much about each other. We had talked about ourself on our first date, but it wasn't the deep stuff. I knew it was way too early for that, but I felt so relaxed when I was with him. I felt like I could tell him my secret, he made me feel so comfortable I wanted to share it with him.

Did I... _trust _him?

I didn't trust people, not after my past. I barely trusted Rosalie and Angela, which was probably the reason I hadn't told them about Jacob.

It wasn't just that I didn't trust them to keep my secret, but I was sure that they would ask me all these questions, say I should tell someone, the police maybe. I knew that if I told them not to say anything, I couldn't trust them. They would say they did it, because it was the best for me, but I didn't want them to do anything for me. I just wanted them to listen and not say a thing, but I couldn't trust them to do that.

I wanted to tell them. So they understood why I was so retained when it came to guys, just life in general to be honest. Why I was so insecure and scared all the time. But no. I couldn't tell them.

I didn't know if I trusted my psychologist, but she wasn't my friend and she listened to things like this many times, so I guess it was different with her, so I wouldn't say that I trusted her.

But I think I trusted Edward, I think I did.

I knew it was stupid, so stupid. I barely knew him, even though I felt so close to him. I shouldn't put my trust in him. He could misuse it, destroy everything. I didn't believe he would, but he could. It scared me that I could not only be so drawn to someone I barely knew, but that I could put my trust in him.

I was so stupid, so fucking stupid for trusting him. God, it was like I was asking for someone to come and shatter me. In some ways it felt like I was asking for it myself.

Was I? Did I really want someone to shatter me?

No, why would anyone want that for themselves?

I didn't know if that was what I was doing to myself, but to be honest, I.. I probably was. I had never thought very high of myself. I was never one of the populare ones, I never imagined myself becoming anything big. I was just a normal girl, with a boring life.

When I was in High School I didn't have many friends. I always sat in a corner with my iPod and a book, because that was what I liked to do. I didn't want to go to big parties, get drunk and have alot of friends. I was the quiet girl, I guess. Not because I didn't have alot to say, I just wanted to talk to intelligent people, not people who killed their brain cells with alcohol and stupid pop music.

I took my iPod from the table and laid down on the couch.

I put the headphones in and looking through my music, still I found the song I was searching for; Safetysuit – Believe.

I could kinda relate to that song in some ways. I don't know, it just... I really liked it.

_~Cause you got a life, you're letting go~_

It was that one line I could relate to in the song. And that was enough for it to one of my favourite songs.

Which was weird, since the line was saying that I was letting go of my life.

But I could relate to that, because I knew it was true.

I knew that I was wasting my life by just sitting here, doing nothing. Not going to college to become something, not going out there and take chances.

I was letting go of my life, and why?

Because fear controlled me.

As much as I wished I could go out there and do something with my life, I simply couldn't.

My life was ruled by fear.

I shook my head, trying to stop thinking.

I leaned back and closed my eyes and fell asleep.

"_Bella.."_

_I followed the voice._

_As I reached the garden, I saw Edward._

"_Will you come sit down next to me?"  
>I started walking towards him, as I felt something soft under my feet. <em>

_The entire ground was covered with flowers. _

_I looked up at him confused, but he just smiled. _

_I finally reached him and he put out his hand. I hesitated before I took it and he led me behind a huge tree, which was too big, it didn't make sense, and behind it there was a bench. _

_He looked at me and then down at the bench, and I sat down. _

_He sat down next to me, still holding my hand, as he looked down into the ground._

"_Hey, what is it, Edward?"_

"_I wanna tell you something.."  
>"You can tell me anything."<em>

"_I don't know..."_

"_Hey, look at me." I let go of his hand and put my finger under his chin so I could lift his head. Our eyes met and I could feel my entire body warm up, my heart beating fast._

"_You can trust me." It sounded so strong. I was surprised I could even say something forcefully._

_He looked down again and took a deep breath before he looked at me again._

_He placed his palm on my cheek and looked into my eyes. _

"_Bella.." he whispered as he leaned in towards me. _

_I closed my eyes, hoping it would happen. _

Something vibrated next to me, and my eyes flew open. It shocked me, surprised me.

I glanced down to see the light from my phone screen.

_It had just been a dream._

It had felt so real, too real.

And how I wished it was.

I touched my cheek. It felt like I could still feel his hand there, even though it hadn't even been there, only in a dream.

I sat up and yawned, remembering I had gotten a text.

Something so small as my phone vibrating could wake me. I never slept very heavily. Not after I came to New York. Not after I.. ran.

The slightest sound, the slightest movement around me could wake me up. I had taught myself that, if that was even possible.

Or maybe it was the fear of waking up to see Jacob looking down at me, that made it possible.

God, I was so fucking tired of thinking about fear fear fear.

It was all I had in my head, all the time.

Rage rose in me, because... because, god I was so sick of this.

I grabbed a pillow and brought it to my mouth, screaming as loud as I could into it.

I was so angry and frustrated tears started formed in my eyes and spilled down on my cheeks.

Crying was stupid, there was no reason for crying.

Tears had never gotten me anywhere.

Not even in the beginning when I cried and begged Jacob to stop, it never helped. The tears meant nothing to him.

No, I had learned that crying got you nowhere, it didn't help you. It made you seem weak.

That is what I wanted Jacob to see. I wanted him to know I was weak, that I was giving in, that I was listening to what he said, just so he would stop and the pain would stop.

For me, crying was showing you were weak.

But sometimes it was the only thing that helped.

So I did it. I cried. When I got really frustrated and mad I cried. When I felt really sorry for myself, when I didn't understand why this was happening to me, why I deserved this in my life, I cried.

And nobody saw it, nobody saw me being weak, so it was okay.

I sniffled and took my phone to finally look at the text.

_Tomorrow, at 8, at the lake, right outside town. _

_I can't wait to see you. _

_Edward_

"_I can't wait to see you." _He was excited, he wanted to see me, he was looking forward to seeing me.

Butterflies. Alot of butterflies.

Just by that text my stomach was a freaking butterfly farm. How was I gonna get through that night? I would probably be super awkward, blush all the time and not say much.

I know I had talked when we went to that bar, but.. now I knew some things about him. I didn't know what more I could ask.

I just wanted to know everything, simply everything. And I couldn't ask that. I knew there was things he didn't want to tell me. Well, I didn't. I could imagine. It was too early for that. We hadn't known each other for that long, not long at all. A week.

A week and I felt more comfortable with him then I did with Rosalie and Angela.

And again a week; he already wanted to show me something special.

That thought made me look at the text again.

The lake..

The lake was in the middle of the woods, which.. scared me, alot. I wasn't a fan of the woods.

But then again, let's be honest: I wasn't a fan of any place except of my apartment, where I felt some kinda safe, the safest I could at least.

What was so special about the lake?

I couldn't let my fear of.. being outside stop me. I wanted to see him and I wanted to know what the special thing was.

I brushed my teeth and went to my bedroom.

I laid down in bed, wrapped my duvet around me and looked at the text one last time before I drifted off to sleep with Edward in my mind.

The next day I had to work.

The pizzaria was filled with people, but I couldn't concentrate on anything. I made so many mistakes, gave people the wrong order. I was in my own zone.

_My Edward zone._

My head was, like last night, filled with 'if', 'why', 'how'. I was going over everything I had been thinking about last night, and I kept trying to imagine what would happen, what I should expect.

When my shifted ended I hurried to the back to grab my jacket and bag.

I didn't know why I felt like I needed to hurry. It was tonight, but I felt like there was so many things I had to do. Which was strange, since I was just gonna sit in my apartment till tonight.

"Hey Bella." I turned around to see Angela and Rosalie standing in front of the door.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Rosalie asked.

"And why have you been so absent today?" Angela added.

"I-"

"You are going out with that guy again!" Rosalie shouted, before I could explain anything.

"What guy?" Angela took a step towards me. "You haven't told me about any guy, Bella."  
>"She was on a date with him like 2 days ago."<p>

"Why haven't I heard anything about this?"

"Because-"

I cut Rosalie off. "Hey, can I get a chance to say somehting?"

They both nodded, waiting for an explanation.

"Angela, I went out with this guy two days ago, that's true. I just haven't had the time to talk to you. The only reason Rosalie knows it because I needed her to take my shift at the club that night."  
>I saw a huge smile spread across her face.<br>"Don't get too excited," I told her. "I don't know what it is between me and Edward, that's his name. I have told you both that I don't want a boyfriend, because of my past. I told you I got my heart broken, worse than you could ever imagine.

But this with Edward, it's different. There is something about him I have never.. He's just.. something special. I don't wanna ruin anything between us. I don't know..

And yes, we are going out again tonight.. Or he's taking me out. He wants to show me something."

"Where are you going?" Rosalie asked. I could hear the excitement in her voice.

"He's taking me to the lake tonight at 8."

"The lake, when it's dark.. Bella, he could be a murdered or something." Angela legit sounded worried.  
>"Angela, shut up, of course he isn't," Rosalie defended him.<p>

"Where did you even meet him in the first place?"

Fuck fuck fuck, lie lie lie, Bella.

"At the... uhm.. grocery store."

"Wow, that's an interesting place," Rosalie laughed and Angela smacked her shoulder lightly.

"But I need to get home now, I have no idea what to wear."

"Let us come with you. Girls afternoon."

"Sounds fun, I'm in," Angela answered.

"Yeah, it does. Let's get going." I zipped up my jacket while they grabbed their things and we walked to my apartment.

The entire afternoon were spend trying on clothes and eating.

Once in awhile they would ask questions about Edward, about meeting him, the first date.

I didn't want to answer their questions, so I did it without really answering.

I was very protecting over me and Edward, over what we had.

I didn't feel like sharing every detail.

And it was because it was him. If it had been any other guy, I had probably told them everything, asked them for advice.

But with Edward I wanted I take things slow, not play any games. Just take things as they came.

I looked in the mirror one last time, to see if I was missing anything.

I was wearing black jeans, black long-sleeve shirt, my maroon converse and a jean jacket. My hair was hanging loose and I was wearing a bit of mascara, because Rosalie had insisted that I put it on.

They followed me down to the cab, since they were going home, and I hugged them goodbye.

This was it.

I got into the cab and gave the cab driver the address.

The nervousness kicked in and I kept biting my lip and drumming my fingers on my knee.

The cab stopped and I looked around.

Trees, big trees on both side of the road.

It was dark. It seemed darker than usual. Maybe it was the trees.

"Miss, are you sure you wanna get out here?"

In the corner of my eye I saw some branches move and a person coming out from between the trees. My heart beated a little faster, of fear, until I saw Edward's face, which made me calm down.

"Yeah I'm sure."

I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the car door and stepped outside.

The cab drove away, and I crossed the road to reach Edward.  
>"Hey," he smiled, making my heart flutter.<p>

I smiled in response.

He reached out his hand. "I wanna show you something."

I hesitantly placed my hand in his.

As our skin touched it felt like my entire body was on fire and my stomach was the home of a butterfly park again.

He led me through the woods.

Then we entered an open space, where the lake was.

You could see the moon's reflection in the water, and all around Edward had out torches.

We stood for some moments, not saying anything.

I was taking everything.

He cleared his throat.

"Do you like it?"

"It's so beautiful." It came out as a whisper.

"Yeah, I know."

I took a last look at the lake, before I turned around and looked into his piercing green eyes.

"Why did you bring me here?"

He looked down at the ground, kicking his foot in the dirt alittle. He seemed nervous.

"I don't know.. I just wanted you to see it. It's a special place."

"It is very beautiful."

"And filled with memories," he added.

I didn't ask any questions. I didn't want to ask something he didn't want to answer. If he wanted to tell me something, I would let him do it in his time.

"Do you.. uhm.. wanna look at the stars with me?" You could hear he was nervous, but it just made my heart beat even faster.

"Yee-es," I stuttered.

He turned around and I followed him.

Behind us were a blanket on the ground, with some more torches around it.

We sat down on the blanket.

Edward laid down, looking up at the stars.

_~If I just lay here  
>Would you lie with me and just forget the world?~ <em>

I laid down next to him.

The sky was filled with stars. It had been long since I had seen so many stars at once, and so bright.

It was nice to lay here, beside him.

I had no idea how close I was to him.

I wanted to move my hand, to find his and hold it.

To feel his skin against mine again.

Suddenly I heard some branches break and I quickly sat up, looking around, fear shooting through me.

I was here with Edward, which made me feel safe. And even though I felt safe, fear was a part of me, something that controlled me.

"Relax, it's just some deer in the woods."

I twisted my body to the side, to look at him, realizing he was closer than I thought.

He now sat up, just like me, his face every close to mine.

I felt Edward holding his breath.

_Heart beating fast. Heart flutter. Butterflies._

He inched closer to me.

He leaned in so close, that our forheads were touching.

He closed his eyes, and so did I, hoping _it _would happen.

His lips brushed over mine softly, and my body was on fire again.

He pulled back and looked into my eyes.

He brushed his finger tips over my cheek and this time I inched closer to him.

It had to happen again.

I leaned in, and sotly pressed my lips against his, as he cupped my cheek.

_~And I just wanna stay with you  
>Just stay in this moment forever, forever and ever~<em>

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading.**

**I really hope you enjoyed it. **

**Reviews are always lovely, since I love to hear what you guys think. **

**Susanne**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: A new chapter after what.. 3-4 months? Who sucks ass? SUSANNE DOES. I am very aware. I could go into a long explanation of why it had been so long, but I'd rather not. It's all very personal. **

**But here I am again, with a new chapter of 'I Was Broken.' I have no idea if anyone is still hooked on the story, probably not, since I have been a bitch, and not uploaded any new chapters in forever. But if you read it before, and is gonna keep read it, I really appreciate it, alot. And if you a new reader, well hello. **

**Bella**

I could feel the warmth from the sun on my skin. I opened my eyes slowly, quickly closing them again, because the sun was blinding me. Where was I? Eyes closed, I reached out my left arm and the grass tickled my skin. Then I reached out my right arm and felt a hand. I pulled my hand back, but not wanting to wake him up.

We had fallen asleep out by the lake. After.. _the kiss._

I opened my eyes again, using my hand to keep the sun from shining directly into my eyes. My eyes adjusted to the bright light. I looked around me. As beautiful and magical as the lake had been in the dark with the moon shining and all the torches, it was absolutely fantastic with the sun shining down. It was so quiet, you could hear the water move when a small breeze came, you could hear the animals in the woods. It was so peaceful, so calm. I understood why this was his secret place, why this was where he came to be alone. It allowed you to forget everything and just appreciate a quiet moment, taking the beauty of the nature around one in.

Not having any time-sense I looked at my watch on my arm.

"Fuck."

My shift at the pizzaria had already started. I was gonna be so late, and I couldn't afford being fired from this job, I simply couldn't.

My 'fuck' had been louder than I thought, because it had caused Edward to wake up.

"Bella.. what's wrong?" he asked, sitting up while rubbing his eyes.

"Edward, can you drive me to work? I'm already late, and I really need to get there quick, really really quick. I don't wanna ask for anything, but.."

He stopped me. "Of course I can drive you."

I thanked him. We got up and he pulled the blanket from the ground, rolling it up. He said he would just get the torches when he came back here at some point. As we walked through the woods, he put his hand on my shoulder and stopped me.  
>"Bella, you can ask for whatever, always."<p>

I gave him a shy smile in return, kinda overwhelmed by his words. I don't know.. To me it meant something.. alot actually. Where I was with Edward already.. It surprised me. After years of thinking my love life was completely over, and slowly finding peace with that, this happened. After so little time. The thought of where it could go scared me. I didn't want to lead Edward on, if I couldn't give him want he wanted from me, because I was a shattered person. I would have to be careful what I made him think, and what I told him, until I could get it all to make sense in my head, until I knew what to do.

I was probably overthinking this and looking way more into the future than I should. Maybe Edward wasn't really interested in me, or maybe he didn't even want anything, maybe just a fun time, nothing serious. But how could I not overthink it? This was my way of looking out for myself. Kissing him had been.. alot, too much maybe even. I had let him kiss me, and afterwards I had leaned in, kissing him again, despite my better judgement. I knew better than to do that, but I had let 'lust' control me. I was constantly so conscious about what I did, and what I shouldn't do. To be honest I couldn't blame my self. With everything I had been through.. it was kinda okay. But it held me back from "living in the moment." I lived in the past and I lived in the future. Never forgetting what happened, always wondering what I should do to move on and how my life would end up being.

We didn't say much during the car ride. Nothing actually, apart from when he asked me where the pizzaria was. It was an awkward silence. Maybe because we both knew we should talk about the kiss, but none of us knew what to say. Maybe he was overthinking this as much as I was? Or maybe it was _just _a kiss for him, and there was nothing to talk about.

We drove around the corner and the pizzaria came into sight. Even though there had been this awkward silence in the car, I was sad that we had made it to the destination. I kinda didn't want to leave him. When was I gonna see him again?

I opened the car door and stepped outside. As I turned back, to close the it, he said my name.

"See you again soon," he said, making it sound more like question than a statement. His mouth was turned up into a little smile, he actually looked kinda nervous.

"See you again soon," I responded with a smile.

I hurried inside to change into my work clothes. I looked in the mirror to put my hair up in a ponytail, putting the cap on.

I couldn't help but look at my lips in the mirror. I touched them, remembering the feelings that had run through my body last night. It had felt like my body was on fire, like there had been fireworks inside of me. My heart had been beating so fast, I had doubted that it would even stay in my body. And when I moved my hand to lay it on his cheek, I simply exploded and all that was left was the joy, the happiness, the feeling of what was happening feeling so right.

"You're lucky that the manager isn't here today."

"You scared me, Angela," I spun around. Rosalie came into the room. All three of us had to work today. Those were my favourite days.

"Why are you late?"

"I overslept."

Angela looked suspiciously at me and Rosalie smirked. "So it was just a random guy you had gotten to drive you to work or? You are usually more a fan of walking."

I panicked. And they could tell.

"Yes, we saw you," Angela said, "and we were just wondering who Mr. Secret is and why he is driving you to work."

How was I gonna explain this in two minutes?

"Can I.. tell you when we are off work?"

"Fine, coffee after work. We won't forget."

"I will tell you. But let's go work. I would like to keep this job."

They shook there heads at me.

I tried not to think about after work. What should I tell them? I decided I was gonna be as honest with them as I could. I didn't want to lie more to them, than I already was. Of course I had to lie about where I met him. But saying I met him in the supermarket sounded very believable. I knew they would ask alot of questions about why I had finally found someone after all this time saying I was fine being alone and that I wasn't ready, what there was so special about this guy? These questions would be hard to answer since I didn't exactly know where me and Edward stood or what we were, or even if it was gonna get serious. But I was gonna answer what I could and with the rest of the questions, I just had to put it on the table, telling them I didn't know.

And I had been right about what they would ask, absolutely right.

"Why him, Bella? I mean, I have trying to set you up with guys for so long, but you always said you weren't ready. What changed?"  
>"Rosalie, I don't know. I just.. there is something about him. You don't think I have asked myself that question? And I have held myself back, which makes me doubt if I should even just go with this or just leave it. I mean.. I'm so unsure. He is special, so very special. He seems like an old soul, maybe that is what drags me in. I really don't know. My brain is an amusement park, filled with screaming kids."<p>

Angela took my hand from across the table. "You deserve to be happy. You have always told us you went through a heartbreak and that you aren't over it. But you shouldn't hold back because of it. You, of all people, really deserve happiness. And if this guy makes you feel.. I don't know, alive, you should go for it. I know, that when you go through something fucking hard, you never wanna try it again, but you have to let yourself take chances and put yourself out there. What if he end up being Mr. Perfect? You're holding back because you are scared, it's normal. Finding love is not a small thing, but try, just try."

"Good speech," Rosalie smirked and patted Angela on the shoulder.

Angela had just said all the things I wanted to be able to do, just do. The things I had been thinking so many times, thinking that maybe I was holding myself back more than needed. But I was just trying to watch out for myself. Like Angela said; when you go through one horrible thing, you try as hard as you can, to never go through it again.

"I'll do my best to try and let go of the fear, that's simply the best I can do."

Rosalie and Angela told me that is was enough. They just wanted me to promise that I would try to be happy and free in mind, which I did. This thing that had started with Edward had put all my fears and worries, my better judgement; all the things I thought I should keep away from and just accept I would never get, on a new thinking-round. I was doubting all the things I had thought in the past about the whole 'love' situation. But I couldn't help but being scared of the thought that I was using the word 'love' when I was thinking about the thing with Edward. Not like I loved him, but thinking that at some point I might get love again. No, not again, get love for the first time. We weren't anywhere near that, and I shouldn't put my head up for that. We might not work out like I kinda wanted us to.

But just in general I was re-thinking everything about my love-life, Edward or not. This couldn't really be good for me. I might just end up being disappointed or letting myself down somehow. Maybe I should just take one step at the time, not overthink, but crap, I sucked at that. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to be able to see if everything would work out in the future, so I knew if I would get true happiness in my life, or if I would have to settle for what I had now. I was kinda getting use to the thought of things being like they were now, and trying to get use the thought of it always being like this. It would fuck everything up, and make me start from zero, if I tried to find love and it didn't work out. Or if I did find love, but the love ended up breaking the tape that my heart now was put together with, which would cause it to shatter all over again. I had to be careful. It was a hard line to work.

When I came home, I remembered that I had forgotten to ask Rosalie, if she could take my shift at Blues. I could really use a night to just sit in my couch and stare out into nothing. I had bad experiences doing that, but sometimes, rare, but still sometimes, in some weird ways it resulted in something good.

I told Rosalie I just would like a night to think about this Edward situation, and she understood, so she was the best, and took my shift.

"_Honey, do you want butter on your popcorn?" he yelled from the kitchen._

"_Yeah a little, thank you." _

_He walked in with the bowl of popcorn and two cans of coca cola. He sat it on the table and wrapped his arm around me. He took the remote and pressed play, starting the movie we had just rented. _

_These nights were nice, because they were quiet and calm. And Jacob was happy and smiling, so I wasn't that afraid. To be honest, I wished he didn't put his arm around me. I couldn't take him being so close to me, it scared me. He had done to many horrible things to me, to deserve to being wrapped around me like this. _

_But I didn't resist. I was too afraid. I never knew what would set him off. So I dealt with him being this close as well as I could, putting on my best fake smile and my "sweet voice", anything to make him stay calm, and not have an outburst._

_During the movie, the phone rang. Jacob picked it up._

"_WHAT?" Angry tone, this was never good. "This can not be happening, I need this job... I don't care, that it's only maybe. I don't wanna get fired. I need money, I have fucking bills to pay!" He hung up and threw the phone across the room. I sat completely still in the couch, only eyeing him from the corner of my eye, but I guess he saw that. _

"_Why the hell are you looking at me!?" He ripped me up from the couch in my arm, pressing it really hard, and it hurt so much. I tried to hold in the tears, not saying anything. "Answer my question, you bitch! You think it's funny to see my suffer!"?_

_I shook my head. _

"_What? You can't talk?"_

"_No, I don't enjoy it."_

_He pushed he hard against the wall and pressed himself against me. He looked at me, with the angriest eyes I had ever seen, before he finally took a step back and smacked me hard over my face, which caused it to turn to the side. The tears started slipping, but thankfully he didn't see, he had already turned around, aiming for the kitchen._

_I walked quietly into the bedroom, not caring about taking my clothes off. I buried my head in the pillow and sobbed for a moment. Then I heard his footstep, and quickly dried my eyes, turning my body away from the door._

_He laid down next to me, and said a quiet "I'm sorry" before he turned off the light._

_He always thought a stupid meaningless "I'm sorry" was good enough. But he was breaking me apart, physically and mentally, a disgusting "I'm sorry" with no meaning, would never be good enough. _

Sitting alone in my apartment, staring into nothing always made me think back. Back to those horrible moments. It was always like reliving it. I remembered all the different types of pain he had put me through, all of it.

How could one person be like that? How could one person be so horrible? Be able to do that to other human being? It was absolutely beyond me, it disgusted me, absoultely disgusted me.

Thinking about, that he was still out there, being himself, a monster, made my stomach acne and my head dizzy, it made me want to throw up, all because I was so scared, so so scared. Because what if he found me? What would he do?

No, I simply couldn't allow myself to go there, that would just be putting myself through misery, and I wasn't stupid enough to do that, not now at least. I had many times though. And those nights when it happened, I had ended going to bed with this hatred towards myself.

My body was en eternal battle of what I wanted to do, and I what I wouldn't let myself do. What I could do, and what I was too afraid to throw myself into. Was it ever gonna be better?

I snapped out of everything, when someone knocked on my door.

My heart started beating faster than any racecar would be able to drive. I sat completely frozen for a minute, before the person knocked again.

I slowly got up from the couch and moved towards the door.

As I made it to the door, I took a deep breath, and carefully looked through the spy hole.

Edward..

What was he doing here?

How did he know where I lived?

I unlocked my door and opened it.

It took him by surprise, since he was standing with his back facing the door, like he had been just about to leave.

"What.. what are you doing here?" I managed to stutter, sounding so stupid.

"Can I come in?" he said carefully. He seemed so apprehensive.

"Of course.." I answered, very confused. _What was he doing here?_

**A/N: **

**So, that was chapter 8. I really hoped you like it. Doubt it was worth the wait, haha. No, but yeah.. hope you enjoyed it. And reeeviews are really really lovely, I would love to hear where you think this is going and what you think about all of Bella's doubt, if you think there is something about it or if she is just being stupid.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Susanne**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: The crappy updater is back! But this time she actually has a plan and a lot of chapters planned ahead of this one, so they will come, very very soon. I'll start posting regulary, unless my gymnasium teachers decide to drop a gigant homework-bomb on me.**

**I have no idea how many are still following this story, but to those who are, thank you so much. Here we go;**

**EPOV**

I had kissed her. I had actually kissed her. I had done what I desperately wanted to do – I had just done it. I had surprised myself beyond, and I guess I had surprised her too. Because it might have been soon to kiss her, or was it? I had never really dated, or had the urge to kiss someone, I just hadn't really felt anything for someone before, so I didn't know if it was too soon, but I just wasn't able to hold myself back anymore. From the first time I had seen her, it was the only thing I could think about, besides her captivating beauty. I knew from the first look that she was someone special and right away there was just something about her that made me want to know more.

I had been baffled by myself, my reaction the first time I saw her, and how quickly I had asked her out. How could on person be so consuming? What made me want to know her story, made me_ want her_? I had spend years, not feeling anything for any girl, not thinking about anyone being pretty, beautiful, sexy. I hadn't wanted to date, no girl had made me have butterflies in my stomach, no one. But yet still, after a second of looking at this girl, I desperately wanted her.

When I made the decision about showing her my secret place, I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to follow through. Because that place, it meant so much to me. It was where I went to try and calm myself and forget everything when all the bad came back. When everything seemed too impossible to get through, when I was about to give up and give in to my old life, I came there to look at the calm water and get away from the noise of the city, enjoying the quietness and the sound of leaves moving with the wind.

But it had been absolutely perfect. The only thing I had told her about it, was that it was filled with mermories, not all the heavy stuff. That I simply couldn't tell her, because I wasn't ready. And it was also way too early for that. I didn't even dare to think about how she would react when I told her about the monster I had been. No, all of that was too soon, but maybe someday – if this led somewhere, which I hoping so very much.

She had looked stunning, standing there with the moonlight reflecting from the water and the torches lighting up everything, making her skin glow. That's when I knew I had to kiss her, that I couldn't resist anymore.

As we had laid there looking at the stars, I had been desperate for a chance to do it. Being that close to her had made my entire body tingle.

The oppoturnity came when she sat up, hearing the deers move around out in the woods. I slowly sat up and inched closer to her. I was lucky; she had turned her head in my direction and I could see it surprised her how close I was. I hold my breath, apprhensive about going all the way. But then something in Bella's eyes changed; _she wanted it too_.

I had inched even closer, causing our foreheads to touch. I closed my eyes, and went in after what I wanted. I brushed my lips softly over hers. It was a small, tender kiss, yet it made my body go crazy, craving for more. Then I brushed my fingers over her cheek, to feel her skin against mine, and this time she inched closer to me, placing her lips on mine, as we kissed again.

I was already so mesmerized by this woman, it was completely crazy, but there was nothing I could do. It was done, I was hers if she wanted me.

God, it was so crazy and it seemed so unreal that after this short time, I was ready to devote myself to her. After all the things I had said through the years about love, not wanting anything, believing it wouldn't happen, and for that reason not look for it, this happened.

_If only she knew the power she had over me already._

The drive to her work had been quiet, a bit awkward maybe. What had happened last night, was something we had to talk about, I guess we both knew that, but what there should be said, none of us knew. What had last night meant? I was ready to venture out with her, there was no doubt about that. I was ready. I was scared, but I was ready. She made me ready and she made want to see what could happen, because I so very much wanted to, to see where this could all go. Hopefully in a good direction. Something inside me told me to not let her go, to seek every possibility to be with her. She did something too. She made me forget all the bad things I spend most of my time thinking about. She pulled me out of the dark, at least when I was with her. How could I not want a person like that to be around me?

And also, she was just the most beautiful human being, inside and out. Something must have happened to her, considering the place I met her. I hoped it wasn't anything bad, and if it was, I wanted to be there for her, in the rough times, and I wanted her to know that. It was probably too early to tell her all these things, when we hadn't known each other for a long time, and because it was probably really quickly I felt all of these things for her, about her, but I couldn't help it. It baffled me that she could have this affect on me, but she had, regardless if I wanted her to or not. I didn't know if it was safe for me to start something with Bella. I didn't know if I was personally ready, after everything. I was too afraid of the monster inside of me coming back, and I would never let Bella see that. It scared the crap out of me that I might do something to hurt her, because of the person I had been. I didn't know her story, even though I desperately wanted to. I also didn't even know how she felt about me, and because of that it was probably stupid to think all of these things over, but I had to make up my mind about _us_ before I let Bella believe anything – that is if she actually liked me, saw this going somewhere. I was gonna be straight with her, without sharing, since I couldn't yet. But she should know that I had things that held me back, but I hoped that we could work despite that.

Because I didn't have the last say in if I wanted to go somewhere with Bella or not, my heart did –_ and it was ready to devote itself to her._

After I had dropped her off at her job, I had driven home, to go up to my room and basically just stare into nothing. My mind was blank. Well, not completely blank, because I couldn't forget that kiss. Never had a kiss made my heart flutter and made my entire body warm up. That is what she did to me.

Now I stood in front of the door to her apartment. I had my ways of finding out where she lived. Being adopted into a wealthy family made you have those benefits. It might creep her out, but I had to talk to her again, and texting her to see if she was free tomorrow was not close enough. I should probably have texted her about coming here, but the decision had been made so fast. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I got out of my car and walked into her building.

I was actually gonna knock on her door.

I knocked and there was no answer. I waited for 30 seconds. Yes, I counted. I was going crazy, not even sure I should be here. Maybe she wasn't even home?

I turned around, taking a deep breath, just about to leave when I heard the door open behind me. I turned around to see her standing in the door with a confused look on her face.

"What.. what are you doing here?" She was stuttering, I must really have surprised her. Maybe she had been sleeping?

"Can I come in?" I blurted out, yet carefully.

She didn't say anything for a moment, she just looked at me.

"I.. I can come back tomorrow.. it might be wrong time," I murmered, unsure of what she was thinking.

"Yes," she said, which caused me to look at her questioningly. "Yes, you can come in."

I nervously stepped into her apartment.

I was so nervous, not really knowing what I should say to her. I had to say something, since I had come to her apartment, late at night, asking if I could come inside.

"Can I take your jacket?"

I smiled a bit, nodded and took of my jacket, giving it to her and she hung it up. She led me into the living room and motioned me to sit down on the couch and that I did.

"Do you want anything to drink?"

"A glass of water, thank you."

While she went to the kitchen, I looked around the room. I liked her apartment. It was small, her things was old and mixed. She had a lot of books and I wondered if she had read all of them. I noticed that there wasn't any personal pictures anywhere, which I thought was weird. She was a young woman, living alone in a big city, I would imagine she had moved away from home, missing it all. Apparently I was wrong, or there was just some other explanation.

She came back and placed the glass in front of me, before she sat down in the other end of the couch, in the corner. I twisted my body, so I was facing her. She was looking down.

"I know it's a weird time coming here, but to be honest with you, I was going crazy thinking," I started rambling. "I feel like there should be said some things after last night, we should talk about it. And I don't know what to say, but.. God Bella, that kiss was amazing, you're absolutely amazing," I was baffled with my own honesty. "I can't stop thinking about you, I haven't been able to since I saw you the first time. After I dropped you off, all I have been thinking about is that kiss.. and what it means. It might not mean anything to you, but.. It does to me," I whispered the last part apprehensively. "I know I'm just sitting here, rambling alot, but I want you to know everything, before you make up your mind, or decide what it meant to you.

I am broken, so very broken. I have a rough past, and it's not something I wanna talk about, because I can't. But I want you to know that I've gone through something terrible and it's the reason why I am the way I am today. I hold back on doing things and I don't have the best temper. I'm broken and I'm trying to rebuild, have been for a long time, but.. it just doesn't happen like that. And I'm telling you this, because if you decide that it meant something to you, like it did to me, I want to be honest with you – that there might be rough times and I have my ups and downs. You deserve to know that, so you can decide if you can be anything with a person like that."

I looked at her, when I stopped talking, since I hadn't been able to look at her the entire time my speech went on. I didn't know what her reaction would be.

She was gazing at me, not saying anything. She looked down, and I could see her close her eyes and hear her take a deep breath. A moment went by and she didn't anything.

"I just felt like you shou.."

"It meant something," she cut me off. "It meant something to me, Edward. I have been trying to find out what it is with you, why you are so special, how you have been able to make me feel this way. Because just like you, I've experienced something terrible, something that has shattered me, which I try to deal with every day, but it's hard, almost impossible. I live in fear. So I'm broken down too. And I, just like you, wanted you to know that, because it's hard being with something who's broken and apprehensive in many situations, it's not fair to the other person. I haven't dated a guy for a long time, for years, becaues of some things that have happened to me, and then you came along and changed everything. I didn't think I would ever feel like this for a guy again, but now you are here and you make my heart flutter and I can't figure out how you do it.

I so very much appreciate your honesty, you telling me that. And I don't care, I wanna venture out with you and I don't care that you broken; you make me feel something, so special. So if you are okay with me being broken and shattered, I wanna see where it can all go."

I was amazed at how honest she was being. I guess I had been the same. But she wasn't done.

"All of that said, I don't know if it's a good idea. Edward, I have such a hard time trusting people, yet I trust you, which scares me to be honest with you, because I haven't known you for that long. I'm afraid of being hurt again, being shattered all over again. I was getting the used to the idea of it just being me, because I knew that I at least could handle that, at least a little."

"Bella, I won't do anything to hurt you, I promise. You also make me feel special; you make my heart beat faster when I'm with you, you just make me feel.. you make me _feel. _Which I haven't done in a long time. I won't take advantage of your trust."

I moved closer to her. I reached out my finger and lifted her chin, looking deeply into her brown, beautiful eyes. I wanted to kiss her, so badly, but I didn't know if she wanted me to.

_~Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back~_

I leaned in even closer, our foreheads touching.

_~Just say yes, coz Im aching and I know you are too  
>For the touch of your warm skin<br>As I breathe you in~_

She turned her head away.

"Edward.. I don't know if I'm ready. I do believe you, I do believe you when say you won't take advantage of my trust or hurt me. I believe you, _I trust you,_" she said quietly and touch my cheek. It was amazing hearing those three words come out of her mouth. She did trust me. And I trusted her too. It was weird, that we were both so afraid of being broken again, yet we both trusted each other, and we hadn't known each other for a long time. But like Bella had said; I also twisted my brain, to figure out what there was so special about her, that she could make me want her and feel like this, after so many years of emptiness.

"I don't wanna disappoint you," she continued. "I don't know if I'm ready for _relationship_, if I can give you that, because I am so broken. I don't want to hurt you, and I can't promise you anything.."

"You don't have to," I said quickly. "Let's just take it slow, see where this path takes us. How does that sound? _Hopefully good, because I really wanted her. _

"It does sound pretty good," she said thoughtfully.  
>"I think so too.<p>

You can always say stop, if it doesn't feel right or you are uncertain at any point."

"I do feel very right about you," she whispered.

I couldn't help it, I had to kiss her. I leaned in and kissed her deeply, putting everything I felt into it. She grabbed a fistful of my hair and pressed herself closer to me.

_Yeah, I felt so right about her too._

**A/N: So this was chapter 9, I hope you like it. I like your reviews very much, so I would be super happy if you wrote one; your opinion means a lot to me. Remember in what I said in the beginning; I should stop sucking so much now, yay!**

**I also have some recommendations;**

**You should check out '****NotebookOfEllen'****here on . She writes some really amazing fanfics, and she has so much talent. I'm a huge fan.**

**Also something that isn't a fanfic, but just a fic on .com, written by '****SweetLittleTaleEndedSour' and is called 'The Final Dance' – it's absolutely amazing, and she also have so much talent!**

**OH and to UNDISCLOSED DESIRES readers; there is a link to the PDF on my profile, with the complete story, I wrote the last two chapters, if you hadn't seen, so check it out.**

**That's all for this time, and I'll see you again soon, this time I promise I'll be back!**

**x Susanne**


	10. Chapter 10

**EPOV**

"So I'll see you," I smiled at her, as I left her apartment. As I hit the sidewalk I took a deep breath. That was needed after the heavy conversation we had just had. A lot of things had been said, a lot of very important things. I had told her what I wanted her to know, that I was ready to jump with her. And I learned that for her, jumping would be a big step. I wasn't the only one who had gone through something terrible apparently. I wanted to know so badly what it was that had happened to her that made her hold back, and have doubts about seeking love. What had happened to this beautiful girl that had made her broken? It hurt me to think about it, because a girl like her didn't deserve anything like that. She deserved the world on a silver plate and I wanted to give her anything she asked for. I just wanted to be with her really, that was the most important thing. God, the way she could make me feel. And hearing her say that she trusted me, was more than I could ever dream of. Because I of all people knew that trust didn't come easily – it's hard to trust people and it's hard to gain people's trust. But she trusted me and I trusted her. As she had said, it scared me too that I could trust her after so little time, and I had no idea how she could have that power over me. I didn't trust people, I hadn't for a long time. Betrayal doesn't make you trust people. I had trusted my mother to take us out of there before it was too late, to do something and stop this monster from hurting us, but she betrayed us. Our own mother, the person who is suppose to love you the most in the entire world, betrayed us. When you had gone through that, trusting people wasn't something you did easily. Esme and Carlisle had gained my trust, but it had taken years. But they had proven they were worth trusting. They had never let me down and they had helped me in very way possible. There simply didn't exist anyone more wonderful than my parents. And yes, they were my parents. Your parents aren't the ones who "make" you, your parents are the people who raise you, help you and give you only love. Biology doesn't decide your parents.

The fresh air felt so good on my skin. My heart was slowly getting back to beating in the normal rhythm. Up in her apartment I was sure it was gonna come jumping out of my chest at any minute. I don't think I had ever felt that nervous in my life before.

I decided there was no reason to just roam around the streets in the middle of the night, or whatever time it was. Sleep would probably be good efter a night like this. So I walked towards my car and drove home. Everyone was already sleeping, so I snuck in quietly and went straight to my bed. As my head hit the pillow I tried not to think about Bella more tonight. Because I really wanted to see her again, or hear her voice. Maybe I should call her? No, I didn't want to disturb her at this time, and I also should probably try to stay back a bit. But it was hard.

I kinda wanted the time to go by really fast, so I could see where all of this would end, with me and Bella. I was so unsure, and I didn't like that. I knew where I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't be sure that we would end up _together_. The uncertainty was painful. Since I was ready to jump, taking one day at the time seemed so slow. But I would do it like that, I wouldn't want to startle Bella, especially because she had doubted starting anything, because of something in the past. How I was so ready to jump with my past, was completely beyond me.

I woke up when I heard my door being shut. I opened my eyes and closed them again, as I saw Alice had opened my curtains. I rubbed my eyes and opened them slowly, letting them adjust to the light, as Alice plopped down in the chair I had in my room. I sat up and yawned.

"Were you home late last night?"

"I have no idea.. There were other things in my head than looking at the clock."

"How did it go? Did you tell her what you needed to say?"

Alice knew about Bella. Me and Alice told each other everything. We knew when something was up with each other, so there was no possible reason to hide anything. We seeked for comfort in each other. When something was up we knew we could talk to each other. Especially when all of my fears came back, my urge to fall back, to let the demon inside me take control again, I could talk to Alice. Because she wouldn't just say "No Edward, you can't fall back, you can do this" – she would talk to me about it, understand how I felt and see it from my point of view. I kinda admired Alice for always listening to me, when everything was going bad, which happened quite alot, since she had moved on in her life. I mean, she hadn't had dark years, but still. Occasional some of the things I talked about led back to our childhood, and I hated bringing that up, not wanting Alice to think about it and hurt because of it; I still felt very protective of her. Not that she hurt because of it. Alice could talk about it. I admired that too. I just admired her ability to have gotten over it and not having let it control her life. She was a strong person. A lot stronger than me, that was for sure. Alice always told me otherwise, and then when I brought up my monster years, she always replied with that I had had the worst childhood of the two of us, I was the one getting beaten all the time and trying to fight for us, it had been hardest on me, which was the reason I had let it control me, let the demon inside me come out for some years, not because I was weak. She told me so many times how grateful she was for all the things I had done for us, and for her, and that she didn't know a stronger person than me. Because not only had I fought our battles, I had gotten out of my misuse of drugs and alcohol, I hadn't let it be my future, and because of that _she_ admired _me_.

I could see what she meant, but I don't know if I always agreed. No matter if I had gotten out of my monster years, they had still happened, which I wasn't proud of, and I would always hate myself a bit for it.

"Yeah, I said what I needed to say. I'm glad I did, because she deserves to know."

"I'm proud of you Edward.."

"I didn't tell her my story, Alice."

"No, I know, of course not, that seems a bit soon, plus I know how you feel about that, but you at least told her that you have some things that hold you back and that you are scarred."

"Apparently I'm not the only one."

"What do you mean?"

"Something has happened to her too, Alice. I don't know what, but it hurts me that she has gone through something. I had to convince her that _us_ trying things out, just trying, could work. She was holding back, she is scared."

"It hurts you?"

"Yes, Alice, it does. She's.. god, I don't know what she is, but she's so fucking special, and I don't what her to be scared and I don't want her to be hurt for whatever reason it might be."

"You care about her," Alice stated, it wasn't a question.

"I don't know.."

"You do, Edward, or else you wouldn't say that. You care about her, and it probably scares you, which I understand. You already told me you trust her, but you care about her too. Don't let the fear stop you at any point. Let it happen, it might be the most _right _thing you do."

"You are probably right, but it's so hard. I'm ready to jump, I really am, but it's still hard. There are so many things I'm still scared of telling her, scared that I might _show_ her."

"Forget all of that, Edward. Think about how you feel now, and not how you'll feel in the time to come or what will happen. Forget all of that."

Alice always said the wise words. She always understood and she always knew what things to say. It was kinda amazing.

I glanced at the clock. It was 3 pm. I guess I had really needed some sleep.

I got dressed and went down to eat some breakfast, well lunch, late lunch. I threw together a chicken and bacon sandwich, and sat down at the kitchen counter.

"See you!" Alice shouted from the hallway.

"Wait!" I got up from my seat and walked to the hallway to see Alice all dressed up. "Where are you going?"

"Going out with some friends, not sure when I'll be home, maybe tomorrow."

"Ah okay, well have a good time."

"You too, Edward."

I grabbed my keys, not in the mood to be home alone in this huge house. My parents were on a weekend stay in Paris, so me and Alice had the house to ourselves.

Being alone in the house probably wasn't the reason I was leaving.

I wanted to go see Bella.

I didn't even know if she was home, and again I would come without an invite.

I ended up at the door to her apartment. I knocked but no one opened. I didn't want to drive home again, not before I had seen her face. I sat down beside her door, and decided to wait for her, which might seem creepy, but I just.. I couldn't really explain why I did as I did.

I had no idea how long I had been sitting there when I heard the door to the building open and my heart started beating faster, hoping it was Bella, nervous about her reaction that I was sitting here.

"Edward, what are you doing here?" she asked apprehensive. "Is something wrong?"

"No.. I just.. I wanted to see you. It's probably weird that I'm just sitting here at your door. I don't even know if you have time, or.. I should probably have texted you..," I rambled on.

"It's okay."

"So.. do you have any plans or?"

"No, I was just gonna watch a movie and eat some fast food," she held up the bag and the smell of fries and pizza hit me.

"Oh okay.."

"You are welcome to join."

I smiled as she unlocked her door and I followed her in.

"You can just sit down on the couch, I'll get somethig in the kitchen."

I did as she said, and sat down in the same exact spot I had last time. This tension lingered in the apartment. I hadn't even kissed her when she had come up the stairs to the front door. Did we do that? Were we all cuddlely and cute? Or was there still this distant between us? I was unsure.

She came back with the food in the bag, two glasses and a bottle of coca cola.

"Not very glamorous, but I was just gonna have a movie night with myself. But we can do something else, if you want to.."

"No, I don't wanna ruin your plans, let's watch a movie," I smiled. "Did you have any in mind?"

"Yes, I was gonna watch Titanic, the chick flick movie, so I don't know if you are up for it."

"Let's do it," I smiled again.

She started the dvd and we ate the food.

When we were done she paused the movie and went to the kitchen with all the leftovers. I took a deep breath and got up, walking in the direction I saw she had gone.

She was walking back, so I meant her on the half way. "Anything you ne.."

I leaned in and kiss her, very slow, very softly. I stepped closer, my lips still on hers, as I cupped her cheek and deepened the kiss a little.

I pulled back and smiled shyly. She was blushing and I traced my finger tips over her cheek. Without any words she grabbed my hand and led me back to the living room. I sat down while she started the movie again.

She sat down next to me, very close. I wrapped my arm around her and placed my left hand on her waist. I looked at her questioningly, she nodded and I pulled her closer to me. She rested her head on my chest and my fingers caressed arm.

This was a perfect moment.

"I've always loved this movie," she suddenly said. "I've watched it so many times when I was young. I rememer seeing it the first time when I was 11, hoping I would find my Jack someday."

I loved how she was sharing her childhood memories with me. It made me warm inside, swell up with happiness to be honest.

"I remember this one boy that I was madly in love with when I was 11. I remember asking him if he wanted to be my Jack, and he just shook his head at me. It was probably a bit too early to started looking," she giggled.

I think that was the first time I heard her giggle. It was a sound I would never get tired of, I knew right away. It was perfect, it touched me.

"Maybe a little," I laughed a long with her.

"I use to believe there was a Jack out there for everyone. Someone who would love you despite anything and give his life away for you. But that was when I was a kid. Now I'm older and well.. smarter."

"You never know. Your Jack might still be out there, never stop believing."

Because I knew that if she asked me to be her Jack, I wouldn't hesitate to answer – "yes" would be the answer right away.

I would be her Jack if she wanted me too.

_I wanted to her Jack._

**A/N: That was chapter 10, and like I promised; it wouldn't take forever to be uploaded, haha. So what do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts in a review – what you think means a lot to me. **

**Thank you so much for reading. I'll see you soon again.**

**x Susanne**


	11. Chapter 11

**BPOV**  
>It was kinda crazy. I was letting this <em>stranger<em> into my life. So easily. After everything I had convinced myself and told myself. I had thrown my better judgment away and betrayed what I thought was right for me. I was opening myself up for the possibility of being heartbroken again. I wanted to believe that wasn't gonna happen, but I wasn't stupid; it could happen, so easily.

But there was something about Edward, and I couldn't put my words on it, that made me think this was different. Yeah, I know – I had known him for a month and I was basically devoting myself to him, I guess you could call it that. _Bella, what are you doing?_ I couldn't answer that question, which was driving me insane, since I asked myself multiple times a day. The apprehensiveness about this entire situation grew smaller and smaller by every minute I spend with Edward. I could feel there was something different about him. And he had told me that he was so broken too.

How could a broken person ever hurt one? And in other ways; I guess a broken person would hurt you more than a person with a great past and their emotions in control. Because a broken person had things holding one back and depending on what had happened to you, there could be outbursts or the possibility that the person wouldn't let you in, and the you could feel your feelings for the person was a waste.

But I felt like my feeling was mutual, actually. Edward seemed devoted and when I started into the green forest that was his eyes I could just see it; passion, desire..  
>Maybe we could fix each other up. Maybe we could be one another's way out of the darkness and into the sun, the bright life, none of us probably had seen for some time.<p>

Last night I had let him in. Yes, into my apartment, but mostly importantly I had started letting him into my heart. I wanted to slap myself for it, but you know what – there was no reason keeping thinking things like that, because my heart had made up it's mind – Edward it was. My heart was talking my mind into letting go and giving in, and it was working, absolutely working. _Damn that heart of mine._

When I had seen him sitting beside my door I was surprised, but joy ran through my body and I had hold back the biggest smile. I had decided I was just gonna spend the night alone with fast food and a movie but I would much rather spend it with Edward. The two things got combined and 'bam'; the perfect night had been created.

In the beginning this awkward tension floated around the apartment, but the minute he had kissed me it all disappeared. I hadn't known if we were becoming a _normal_ couple, you know the ones that kissed like it was the most natural thing in the world. I wanted us to be that way. I guess we both knew it was the two of us, and nobody else. Gah, ever since 5th grade I had missed the opportunity to just ask "Will you be my boyfriend? Yes, no." I truly missed that, because it was so much easier back then. Now, I didn't know what Edward was for me. We had a _relationship_, because it was us and just us, that is how we wanted it. Was he my.. boyfriend? It was probably waaay too early. _Bella, one fucking month, for crying out loud, don't rush this._ I didn't want to rush it for his sake, I didn't want to rush it for my sake. I would probably know at some point what he was for me.

I felt so safe to lie there, snuggled up against his chest. Safe was not a word I used lightly, since my heart was always racing with fear with whatever I did. So saying I felt safe there with Edward was a big thing. I felt that when I was in his arm, no one could touch me, that it was just me and him. I liked that feeling, I loved that feeling. I hadn't felt like that in too long, so getting that calm security back was absolutely perfect and so was the man causing it.

Not only was Edward breathtaking with his look, but also with his soul. He seemed like such a good person, such an old soul, with insight and having experienced things. Not that experiences was necessarily a good things. There wasn't anything I wanted more, than to know why Edward said he was broken. Maybe he wondered the same about me? He, out of all people, actually made me want to share, to let him know what had happened, so he could wrap his arms around me and assure me that everything was gonna be fine.

But here my mind had won the fight. I was not gonna share with him.  
>One, it was way way too early. Two, I wasn't ready at all. He might make me feel like I was, but deep down I knew I wasn't. It was too much. There was still so many things I couldn't tell myself, repeat, afraid I would have a nightmare about it, or just the thoughts about it being too much. There were so many things, so many <em>episodes<em> I hadn't thought about, because it would make me a mess.  
>It would make me wrap up and keep me in my apartment for far too long, because it would make me even more paranoid and people would be able to see, when they looked at me, that I had a battle going on inside me, emotions going crazy and fear pumping through my veins.<p>

I used to focus on the bad – Edward made that different. I was putting some of the worry away and for once 'live in moment'. People talked about how great it was, so why not try? I knew this could end like a disaster, but it could also end as the most beautiful and right thing I had ever done in my life. I was going to go with the last option and believe that it was the way this was intended to go. Yep, I felt like I deserved this. I had never been a person asking for much, but now I was. I was asking for the possibility to have a person in my life how could make me feel safe and care for me, and hell, someone I might be able to _love_ one day. That last thing was a big thing, that was a thing I could never guarantee, but the thought was nice, so I held on to it.

"How is everything going?" Angela asked, taking me away from my thoughts.  
>"I'm great."<br>"I mean with the Edward things, hello."  
>"Oh.. It's great."<br>"Is great the only word you know?"  
>I shook my head. "Ha.. No. I just don't know how to explain it. There are things I'm afraid of, so I'm trying to take it slow, even though my heart is screaming for me to jump."<br>"You know what they say; follow your heart."  
>"Yeah, but letting your mind decide just a bit is never a bad thing."<br>"Bella, just don't worry to much, let it happen. Let yourself be happy, okay?"  
>"I'll try my hardest, I really will."<br>"That's all I wanna hear."

I kept looking at the clock, waiting for my shift at the pizzeria to end. Edward was picking me up and we were going to have dinner, before I had my shift at Blues.  
>Time always went by way too slow, when you were waiting for something, but finally the clock hit 5pm and I hurried out to change my clothes, put on some perfume, so I wouldn't smell like pizza and I washed my face, so I wouldn't look all sweaty. I took a late look in the mirror and touch my hair on last time, before I went out and said goodbye to Angela.<p>

I spotted Edward standing outside and my mouth turned up into a smile, and my stomach was once again the home of butterfly park. That was how he made me feel, every single time I saw him.

"Hey," I smiled, as soon as I reached where he was standing.  
>"I've missed you," he said and pulled me in to an embrace.<br>I hadn't been sure how things was between me and Edward, but this, this was amazing. This was how I wanted it to be. Honest and carefree.  
>He dipped his head down and kissed my lips softly, moving some strays of hair from my face.<br>"Are you ready to go?" he asked.  
>I nodded and grabbed this hand, lacing our fingers. We walked to his car and like the gentleman he was, he opened my door and I got in. He started driving and I had no idea where we were going. I had said that he could just decide where we should go, I was sure he had great taste. Also, letting him decide gave me a little input on how he was and what he liked. I wanted to know everything about him, even the little things; they were far from meaningless to me.<br>We arrived to this fancy place, really fancy place, which looked expensive, something I couldn't afford, at all.  
>He parked the car and came over to my car door to help me get out. He took my hand and we started walking towards the entrance.<br>"Edward.. this looks expensive," I hesitated.  
>"Don't worry about it, Bella – it's all on me tonight."<p>

He was gonna pay for my dinner? Real gentleman, there was no doubt. Yet I didn't know how I felt about that. I had never been a girl to like people buying things for me.

"You don't have to do that, Edward."  
>"I want to. Please let me," he pleaded.<br>I gave him a small smile and we walked in.  
>"Ah, good evening Mr. Cullen. Long time, no see. How are you?" the man who showed people to the tables said.<br>"I'm good, very good, thank you for asking."  
>"And I see you have a lady friend joying you."<br>"I have indeed. Alec, this is Bella."  
>He put out his hand and so did I, assuming he wanted to shake hands. Instead he grabbed mine and kissed the back of my hand. I smiled awkwardly, startled over his gesture.<br>"We made a reservation," Edward interrupted.  
>"Yes of course, let me show you to the table."<p>

We followed him as he showed us to our table.  
>He pulled out my chair and I sat down across from Edward. He handed us the menus and left.<br>"Do you come here often?" I asked as I opened the menu. My eyes always rolled out of my face, when I saw how expensive the food here was.  
>"It's my dad's favourite restaurant, so yeah, quite often."<br>"You must have a lot of money then," I blurted out. "Well, just the food here is expensive.. sorry," I added, regretted the first I had said.  
>"Don't apologize," he smiled, "and yes we do. Well, my parents do. I don't really 'take advantage' of it, only when it comes to food; I appreciate fine cooking in life, what can I say," he laughed which caused me to giggle along with him.<br>"I hadn't guessed that. You didn't struck me as a _rich_ person. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just.."  
>"Money doesn't define you as a person and we aren't a family that have the need to let everyone know that we are wealthy."<br>"No, of course not," I said quietly, putting my head down. _Bella, don't talk about money, just don't. Keep that in mind, always._

He reached out and lifted my chin with his fingers. "Hey, I wanna see that pretty face of ours." I was blushing, I was blushing hardcore. "And don't worry about it. It's a part of me, so I want you to know."

He kissed me and grabbed his menu again.  
><em>The things this man could make me feel.<em>  
>We placed our orders. It had taken me some time, having to ask Edward what some of the things were and looking for something 'normal'.<p>

"So what do your parents do for a living?" I asked while we waited for our food to arrive.  
>"My dad is a doctor and my mother is an interior designer."<br>"Wow, that is a lot fancier than my parents jobs," I laughed.  
>"What do they do?"<br>"My dad's a cop and my mom works in a kindergarten."  
>"There you just gave me a reason to fear your dad even more," he chuckled.<p>

That he was thinking about my dad, fearing my dad, because that is what guys do about the person they _date_, definitely did things to me, there was no doubt about that. It was some small hope of a future of _us, me and Edward._

Our food arrived and the conversation kept on going.  
>We finished our food and kept talking. After some time Edward looked at his phone.<br>"When did you have to at Blues?"  
>"Uhm, around 9," I replied.<br>"Then we have to drive now to make it there in time," he sighed.  
>"Ah, I wish I didn't have to go, I'd much rather just stay here with you Edward."<br>"It's fine, we'll spend tomorrow together then. If you have time?"  
>"Most definitely," I smiled in response.<p>

A waiter came and Edward handed him his credit card. I tried not to think about how much money Edward was spending on just a meal.  
>The waiter came back, we got our jackets and walked hand in hand towards the car.<br>We drove through the city and the car ride seemed to go by way too quick. Probably because I really didn't want to leave Edward, but there was no way I could ditch my shift. I need the money, a lot.  
>He stopped the car and I looked out the window and I spotted the the blue sign; Blues.<p>

"Tonight was amazing," I whispered.  
>"It really was," he said carefully.<br>"Thank god, we will see each other tomorrow again."  
>"Mmmh," he murmured as he leaned in and cupped my cheek. He closed his eyes and kissed me, with so much passion, like he had never kissed me before. He took my breath away, completely.<br>I brushed my fingers over his cheek and opened the car door. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
>"I'll miss you," he said honestly.<br>"I'll miss you too," I blushed.

I walked into the club, changed to my black long sleeve shirt, with 'Blues' written on the back, and my black skinny jeans. I walked to the bar and started taking orders, mixing drinks.

"What can I get you?"  
>"A 'Sex On the Beach' and a 'Long Island Icetea'," a smiling costumer replied.<br>"Coming right up."  
>As I started mixing the drinks, someone tapped me on the shoulder.<br>"Hey sexy." I turned around to see Rosalie smirking at me. Her shifted had started an hour after mine.  
>"How was your date?"<br>"How do you know about that?" I asked her confused.  
>"Talked to Angela shortly. She saw you leave with Edward. Since you don't tell me anything, I gotta hear it from someone else."<br>"Yeah, I'm sorry, Rosalie. It's just hard to explain everything.."  
>"It's cool, it's cool."<br>"I can tell you that it's me and him right now, that's for sure."  
>She looked at me stunned and replied with a 'wow'. "That's a big step for you, Bella. He must be so very special."<br>"He really is, he really is."

We got back to taking orders and serving drinks. It was always so fun to work with Rosalie and we spend 90 percent of the time laughing. It didn't keep Edward from popping up in my head every now and then, though. Everything was going right for me, _for us_, and it made me want to smile constantly. I felt happy, truly happy. Which I didn't felt for.. I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt truly happy and content with my life. Right now, there were no downsides. Well, of course, Jacob lingered, the fear lingered. My biggest wish was really that all of that didn't exist, that I didn't have to be scared and have to worry.

As my shift ended, I went to change my clothes and my heart started beating faster. Rosalie wasn't able to follow me home tonight since her shift ended later than mine. I could stay, but it would seem strange if I did. A woman over 20 should be able to walk home by herself. Well, I wasn't like the others.

I walked outside and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, deep down in lungs.  
>As I opened my eyes, I found a pair of piercing green ones staring directly into mine.<br>_Edward._  
>"What are you doing here?" I asked, startled that he had been so close so suddenly.<br>"Tomorrow seems far away," he smiled shyly.  
>I got up on my toes and kissed him. "You're sweet."<br>He held out his hand for me. "Take a walk with me?"  
>I placed my hand in his and we walked towards the park near by.<br>I have no idea for how long we had walked. We didn't say anything at all. We stole glimpses of each other, shared small kisses as we walked under the star spangled sky.  
>He followed me to my apartment. He followed me all the way up to my door and gave me a good night kiss.<p>

"I should go. Let you sleep. You're probably tired from all the work."  
>"Please don't leave," I whispered. "Come inside?"<br>He gazed at me in a way that made my heart flutter. "If you want me to," he whispered back.  
>I nodded and I unlocked the door<br>I lead him to my bedroom. "I'll be right back, I just need to brush my teeth."  
>He was here, in my bedroom. He was gonna sleep in my apartment, in my bed. <em>Oh my god.<em>  
>I might have been freaking out a bit but Edward was here because I wanted him to be and because he wanted to be.<br>As I walked back into the bedroom I saw he had sat down on my bed. So I sat down next to him and placed my hand on his chest, so he laid down against the pillows. I laid beside him. I titled my head up and kissed him deep before I nuzzled my head into his neck. I closed my eyes and took in his scent, before I pulled the covers up around us. I could feel his cheek rest on the top of my head and his fingers softly stroke my back.  
><em>Yeah, this was absolutely the most perfect moment I had ever experienced.<em> 

**A/N: Hi, hey, hello. Yes, I hoped you liked this chapter. Reviews are like cake; there is absolutely nothing better in this entire world. I love to hear what you think and where it's going.**

**I have to say a big thanks to Drazenka (twitter: headedforacliff or at fiction press as**

**'SweetLittleTaleEndedSour' where she writes the amazing story 'The Final Dance', which I strongly recommend) for being beta on this chapter! **

**That was chapter 11 and I'll see you in chapter 12.**

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**xo Susanne**


	12. Chapter 12

**EPOV**

I woke and gazed down at her. I pressed her a little closer to me and kissed the top of her head. I couldn't help it. She had asked me into her apartment, late at night, which I knew had to mean I was gonna sleep there. Which I had. I was baffled she had asked me that, and I didn't know why. Wasn't it something _a couple _did? We were different, we didn't fit the stereotypes, so I never knew with me and Bella. Everything was something new, something I hadn't tried before. In general _feelings_ hadn't really been my thing. But with Bella and the affection I had for her, I didn't really care. I felt like we were going on an adventure together, which fit me perfectly, because I would follow her anywhere.

It had been a nightmare-free night. It was a morning I didn't wake up dripping in sweat, with all the demons roaming inside my head. It had been a _free night_ and I really didn't recall the last time that had happened.

Her presence calmed me, there was no doubt that it was sleeping here with her that had calmed me. I hadn't had a lucky night, I had had a night with Bella, that was simply the reason.

"Are you awake?" she peaked at me.

I murmered a 'mmm' in a her hair. Her fingers started tapping on my chest, like she was playing a beautiful melody on the piano, and well she did make my heart do something else.

"Do you wanna make breakfast?"

"Can't we stay here a little bit longer?" I sighed along with a growl coming from her stomach. "Apparently not," I pouted.

"I know, let's blame my stomach. Why does it need food?" she shook her head and laughed.

"Fine, but I'm voting for going back to bed afterwards."

She got up from bed and stretched her delicate, perfect body as a few sunrays beamed through the window and danced on her skin, making her glow. She was wearing a pair of tiny shorts and an oversized t-shirt. Her brown hair framed her face perfectly with her natural waves and I wondered how any person could be so beautiful. I had never seen anyone resemble her, nowhere near her beauty.

She looked at me and I returned her look with a questioning gaze.

"You voted. There is absolutely nothing I can do," she giggled.

As she sprinted to the kitchen, I got up from bed and moved towards the bathroom. I splashed my face with water to freshen up. I guess it was also a way of trying to wake my self up from the dream, I was so sure I was in right now, because I honestly couldn't believe all of this was real. It seemed so _un_real – that I had slept in beautiful Bella's bed, that she was out there making breakfast for us and that we were _us_.

I was thrown out of my thoughts when I heard 'Walking On Sunshine' blasting through the entire apartment. I must have been in the bathroom, wrapped up in my thoughts, for longer than I thought, because when I stepped out and closed the door behind me, a smell of bacon and pancakes lingered in the entire apartment. I followed the scent that made my stomach growl, just like Bella's had done and found her, still in nothing but her tiny shorts and a big t-shirt, dancing around in the kitchen.

She was singing along to the cheery song. I watched her from a distance for a moment and couldn't help but chuckle. She hadn't noticed me, so I snuck up behind her and grabbed her around her waist, tickling her. She exclaimed a loud scream and turned around to look at me with a shocked look. She grabbed the remote for the cd-player and turned the volume down, so it was only background music.

"Fuck, you scared me," she mumbled as she placed a hand over her heart. I replaced her hand with mine and felt her heart galloping.

"Well. Yes, I did apparently," I smirked and grabbed her chin, pressing my lips to hers. She pushed against my chest and turned back to the stove.

"Yeah, none of that when you scare me."

"You have a malicious mind," I laughed while I wrapped my arms around her small torso as she flipped the pancakes.

"But I don't see how that is fair, superstar," I teased her.

"Wow Edward, you even managed to not get breakfast. She took the plate of food and patted my back, before she walked to the table. "Good job."

I sat down next to her and pulled her chair closer to me, so I could have my arm wrapped around her. I kissed her temple and she leaned her head on my shoulder.

"Fine. You can have breakfast, just because you make it hard to deny you anything."

We ate the eggs and bacon, finishing with the delicious pancakes. As she started taking the things to the sink, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

_Ask her, please._

Alice had been bugging me for some days now about meeting Bella. When she wanted something, she would be annoying until the moment she got it. But I didn't know if Bella meeting Alice was too soon. Yet I wanted them to meet. I shared everything with Alice, so she knew how I felt about Bella; Alice knew she was absolutely special to me. I could always try and ask Bella, the worst she could say was no, and I would be completely fine with that answer.

Bella reemerged at the table as I was still staring down at my phone.

"Do you have to go or..?" her voice faded.

"No, I actually have something to ask you," I answered apprehensively. "My sister, Alice.. She would really like to meet you. She told me to ask you. I just didn't know if it was too soon or.. not that I don't want you to meet her, I really do, but if you–"

"I would love you meet your sister, Edward."

"Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to."

"I want to," she smiled at me reassuring. I stood up and brushed some strands of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead.

"When?"

"If Alice can decide, as soon as possible," I chuckled.

"Today? At lunch?"

"If you want to, it sounds good to me. I'll text her."

To be honest I was all smiles inside and I probably looked like a smiling fool on the outside. But Bella hadn't had any doubt about meeting Alice and she didn't even need time to "prepare." She was just ready and she wanted to. It amazed me. She amazed me. I was sure she was never gonna stop doing that, ever.

I kissed her softly, loving the sweet taste the syrup from the pancakes had given her.

I drew back and looked into her eyes. "You're amazing."

Her eyes wandered to the floor and I stroked my thumb over her blushed cheeks.

"How long till we have to leave?"

I glanced at the clock. "Two hours."

"Then let me get ready and we can go back to bed," she winked. "Uhm, unless you wanna go home and change.."

More time in bed with Bella or fresh clothes? The decision wasn't exactly hard.

"Nah, Alice has seen me at my most disgusting. She can live through this, though she won't like it," I laughed.

I told Bella to go get ready as I cleaned everything up in the kitchen. I felt very at home in her apartment; it had this calming aura. It was probably just a Bella aura. She made me feel so very calm. I wasn't constantly restless when with her and my mind wasn't going crazy. Hell, she had even spared me a night filled with an all too real nightmare.

After I finished I walked to the bedroom just as she sat down on the bed. I sat down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. We laid down on the bed. We stayed like that, wrapped around each other and silent, until we realized we would have to look at the clock. Two hours had never flown by that fast.

We walked back to Blues where I had parked my car last night. We drove towards the restaurant Alice had chosen. I had never heard of it. I had been sure she would take us to our dad's favourite, but she had surprised me. Well, probably because she knew that I had already taken Bella there.

"Are you nervous?"

"It's my sister, aren't I suppose to ask that question?"

"I guess, but you just look nervous."

"I might be a little, to be honest with you. Alice is like my rock in life, so I really hope you'll get along," I stammered nervously. This was one of the moments I had been the most nervous in my life, I think. I was sure Alice was gonna love Bella. She liked everyone, and she had told me that anyone who could make me go around the smile all day was someone Alice would cherish. But I just hoped, so much, that Bella would like Alice – truly like her.

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I'm not really," she smiled.

"Round two of amazing me today," I murmed so low she couldn't hear.

I was nervous, she wasn't – it should be the other way around. It was a good thing though. It made me happy that one, Bella wanted to meet Alice and two, it didn't scare her or make her nervous in any way. It assured me that this was gonna be great and that I wouldn't have any reasons to worry about Bella at all.

We reached our destination and saw Alice waiting outside the restaurant. As we reached Alice I gave her a big hug and Bella took a little step forward, just about to reach out her hand, but had no chance of shaking her hand, since Alice drew her in to a surprising embrace. That was my sister in a nutshell.

"Hello Bella, I've heard so much about you," she smiled from ear to ear.

"It's nice to meet you, Alice," Bella returned the smile. I put my arm around her and let my hand rest on her waist, kissing her temple.

"Aw, you guys are so cute."

I didn't even have to look at Bella to know that she would be blushing, but I did anyway, because she look so damn pretty with her flushed cheeks. And I had been right.

"Let's get some food. I've already made a reservation."

"And you picked a restaurant named 'Knife,' couldn't they be a little more inventive?"

"Hey, their name might suck, but their food is to die for, so shush." I heard Bella giggle.

We got to our table, ordered our food and it didn't take long for it to arrive. They had good service, despite their stupid name. We started eating and Alice had been right. This beef was to die for, absolutely. My new second favourite restaurant. My dad's favourite would always be mine too. So many memories attached to it. And their beef was just a tad bit better.

"Do you mind questions, Bella?" she started.

"Alice, don't bug her."

"It's fine, Edward, I don't mind," Bella smiled. She was so calm and smiling.

And so Alice started her long list of questions, and I got answers of things I didn't even know.

"Do you have any siblings?"

"No, I'm an only child."

"Favourite food?"

"I think I like food too much to pick one favourite," she chuckled.

"Do you have any education?"

Bella flinched a little by that question, and I was just about to tell Alice to back off, when Bella went back to smiling.

"No, I stopped after High School. Then I didn't really know what I wanted to do so I started working, and then I needed a change of scenery, so I moved here to work instead.

And the questions went on and on. It was like Alice had made a list and memorized it.  
>"Alice, I think that's enough for now."<p>

"Hey, I just wanna know something about the woman, who can make you go around smiling constantly."

See, that made me blush for once.

"And I'm sure me and Bella are gonna make great friends."

"I agree," Bella added.

This is what I would call a successful dinner, for sure.

We spent some more time talking before Alice annouced that she had a study-date with some of her friends which she couldn't miss.

We arrived back to the apartment and Bella unlocked the door. She threw herself down on the couch and I went to hover over her, kissing her, and kissing her again and again. I laid down next to her, as much as the small couch allowed me to.

"I'm sorry if my sister asked too many questions, but she's like that."  
>"I don't mind, I really like her. She's very bubbly and happy, I like that."<p>

This was just what I had hoped for and more. Bella liked her, she really liked her. Two important persons in my life liked each other. That made a happy Edward.

Yes, Bella was absolutely important to me, more than she knew. Because it might seem crazy to her, that she was already this important me, but there was nothing I could do about it and there was nothing I wanted to do about. She was amazing, nothing less.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out and looked at it.

"I'll have to answer it or that sister of mine will just drive us crazy."

I walked out into the kitchen and allowed myself to fix some food for us while I talked to Alice.

"Edward, she's perfect."

"I'm glad you like her."

"She's so perfect for you, oh my god, now I really understand that smile of yours."

"Yeah, there is no reason to deny she is the reason for that. And Alice.. I didn't have a nightmare tonight. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have a nightmare. I blame that on Bella. I _thank _Bella for that."

"Wow, she really has the right affect on you."

"She does, god, she does."

"Ih, I'm so happy for you!" Alice squealed.

"You'll give me a hearing damage at some point, sister."

"I'll let you get back to her. I'm just so happy for you, Edward."

She hung up. I finished the sandwiches I had been making and opened the fridge, grabbing the juice as Bella enter the kitchen.  
>"I allowed myself to make us some sandwiches."<p>

"We just ate, Edward."

"When it comes to food, I'm insatiable," I laughed.

"I can't really deny that I'm the same," she laughed along with me. "I just came out here to make popcorn, hoping I could lure you into watching another chick flick movie with me."

I chuckled. "Only because it's you, Bella, only because it's you."

She got up on her toes and kissed me, before she made a little victory dance and saying "yes!" which caused me to giggle.

We brought the bowl of popcorn, the glasses of juice and the sandwiches into the livingroom and sunk back into the couch. Bella had already put on the dvd.

"You were just sure you could make me watch a movie or?"

"I was hoping you couldn't say no to me."

"You're right, I probably can't."

She kissed my cheek and turned back to the screen, pressing play, excited like a little 10 year old girl. "I love this movie. It might be sad, but it's so beautiful."

Then 'A Walk To Remember' started.

"You just dig sad chick flicks or?"

"No, I just dig beautiful love stories," she responded.

**A/N: That was chapter 12 tralalalala. I hope you likeeeeeed it and I hope I'll seeeeee you back next weeeeek (yes, I'm very much in a singing mood right now) Oh and those reviews; ah, they are always lovely, so please leave one and tell me what you think about this chapter and what will happen later on. I love to hear your thought.**

**And again thank you to the always amazing Drazenka for being my beta, aw yeah.**

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**x Susanne**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I know, I know – it's been a long time, but December was a crazy months for me. I had to make a decide about changing schools, I had exams and on top of all of that it was Christmas, which is my absolute favourite time of the year, no doubt. So I'm sorry about that. But I'm back now. I've decide Saturday is gonna be my posting day and if I have calm weeks, I might update more. But I'll try to update every Saturday, and if I should slip a Saturday, it's because there is so much school work in some periods, and we've all tried that, so I hope you'll understand. **

**BPOV**

_Happiness._ It wasn't a thing I had experienced in a long time – in what seemed like forever. People need happiness, a little here and there, to be able to go on and get through everyday. After a long period of bad you need happiness, just for a little bit. After I had run away I didn't feel any happiness. I hadn't felt it in a long time. I was happy when I met Rosalie and Angela, I was happy when I got my first job, happy when I got my second job. But real and true happiness wasn't something I had experienced since before I met Jacob.

But now being with Edward – I felt happiness. I think it came with him making me feel safe, with the feeling that he actually cared for me and that I really cared for him. What we had was pure and true. We were honest with each other when it came to our emotions. I did hold back and I could feel him doing the same but we still managed to let each other know that we cared.

It could be a few words, a simple touch. We both knew what it was.

_~I'm bruised and scarred_

_Save me from this broken heart~_

I could feel this hope inside me – just a tiny bit of hope – that Edward would be the one to pull me out of the darkness and show me real love and give me back my life. The life I had suppressed for a long time. I hoped he could heal my scars and make them go away. I hoped he could rebuild my broken heart.

It was probably a very stupid thought. I should probably do all of that myself. I should be the one to rebuild myself before I let someone into my life. But I was already too far in with Edward to go back. I did the one thing I forbid myself; _falling in love._

My feelings for Edward were going in that direction at least. I didn't intend this. I was a little furious with myself.

I knew from the beginning, from the first glance at Edward –the first time he was the angel in my dream – that he was something special, someone special. Someone who would have an impact on me. Already from the beginning I knew I should stay away from him but I wasn't able to resist when he had asked me out. Every chance to just spend a minute with him was something I was going to take.

And now, here we laid, tangled up in each other and I was falling in love with him. There was nothing I could do, there was no reason to fight it. It was happening and I dearly hoped that he wouldn't break my heart. I didn't give a second thought about would happen if Edward walked away, walked away and said that this could never be, that it simply wasn't anything.

I forbid myself to think about it, hoping that if it happened I would have already grown as a person, ready to take it. But not even because it would break my heart but because I just knew Edward was right.

_He_ felt so right, _It_ felt so right.

I shouldn't dwell on things, I shouldn't think and just do. Just live.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

Edward moved beside me, sat up and grabbed my chin with his fingers, turning my head so I was looking into his eyes. I realized I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice he had woken up.

"Good morning," I smiled and gave him a small kiss on the lips. We were very couple-ish, it was so comfortable and free. The awkward barriers had been broken down and we weren't so careful around each other. But we both knew there were some huge things we kept to ourselves. I hadn't told him my big secret.

I still didn't know if I could and I could feel he carried something big himself. I desperately wished I knew what it was.

What had happened to this pure, beautiful man that made him scared and timid?

"What were you thinking about?" he brushed a few strays of hair behind my ear.

"Oh, it was nothing, I'm just tired," I lied.

"Are you sure?" he raised his brow. I wasn't really the best liar.

Honesty was beautiful. So I decided to just tell him – a tiny bit.

"I'm just so happy I met you. I mean.. I don't really know how to express it. I've just.. You just make me feel so happy and free. And I haven't felt like that in a long time."

He looked at me, not saying a word. We didn't really say these things to each other. I guessed we both just felt it was something along those lines but words like those were never spoken.

He kissed me softly, yet with so much passion. He took my hand and forcefully stared into my eyes, so that I couldn't look away.  
>"You're beautiful," he whispered with so many emotions in his voice. It was overwhelming. This was definitely a new, <em>big<em>, step for us. The feeling of us moving forward made me happy, it made me feel hope, and I needed to feel that. Maybe I even felt like I was putting myself back together a little bit?

A smile spread across his face and I wondered what he was smiling about. A moment passed before he grabbed me and held me down on the mattress, tickling me as I started laughing uncontrollably. He tickled me so hard that I writhed around, trying to escape his hands. I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my face and my stomach hurt. He was laughing just as hard as I was. His laugh was.. so liberating.

In this moment, where we were both laughing like two little kids, I felt so normal – I felt like nothing had never happened to me, like this was a first love happening, that I was a girl with no worries in life, just a curious mind. I knew that if Edward could make me feel like this, I had to hold on to him. I had to let him in, even though it might hurt me in the end, because he could save from this misery I had been living in. I really felt that he could stitch me up. I would be a fool for closing myself off. I guess I was also a fool for thinking he could be my out from this, but for once I could feel it in my stomach, all the way down.

There was a knock on the door which caused me to freeze. I didn't feel his hands tickling my body anymore. I didn't hear his laughter. I shut everything out as the fear started rushing through my body. An unsuspected knock on the door had always made me fall into this _coma_. I feared he found me, that he was on the other side of the door and when I opened I would be looking directly into his cold and dark eyes – they had always been a good view of his soul. I was still as a statue.

I realized Edward was there and I didn't want him to see this because I didn't want any questions. I didn't want questions I couldn't answer. He deserved answers I simply couldn't give him and I refused to lie to him. If we were going somewhere in this relationship we couldn't lie. Telling each other our secrets was one thing, one thing that would come with the trust we were trying to build up. Lies could destroy us and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with worry.

Shit. He noticed. _Yeah, of course, Bella – what did you expect with your behavior right now? _

There was a knock on the door again and my heart kept pounding with the speed of a race car.

"I can open the door?" he questioned.

"No, uhm, I'll do it." As I answered him I realized I had been holding my breath. I got up from bed and walked towards the door. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I looked into the peephole. Relief flooded me when I only saw Rosalie and Angela standing on the other side of the door. It usually was only them but the fear always came with an unsuspected knock. I opened the door slightly.

"We brought breakfast!" Angela exclaimed.

"Is there enough for four? Edward is here," I lowered my voice. I didn't want him to feel unwelcome. I wanted him here. Even though I had no idea how Rosalie would react. Rosalie was Rosalie – she was overprotective and could ask a lot of questions she shouldn't ask.

"Uh, he is!?" Rosalie squealed, just as I had expected to be honest. She stormed through the door and into the living room. Angela giggled and I sighed as we both followed after her. Edward was sitting on the couch, flipping through the TV channels, looking more handsome than ever with the morning light shining in through the curtains.

Rosalie went over to shake his hand. "I'm Rosalie."

"Edward," he replied, smiling.

"Oh I know. I've heard a lot about you."

"Rosalie.." I sighed.

"Don't worry, I'll behave." She turned back and looked at Edward, "I'm the annoying one," she winked and Edward chuckled quietly.

I felt like Edward would be fine being alone with my two friends so I grabbed the bag with breakfast and brought it to the kitchen to set the table. As I stood there, putting everything on a tray, finding plates and juice in the fridge a hand suddenly rested on my waist.

"Are you sure you are okay?" Edward asked, the worry back in his voice. He kissed my temple softly.

"Edward, I'm fine, don't worry."

"But.. what happened in there, Bella? You kinda scared me."

_Great Bella, scare him. Gah, why can't you just control it, why to you have to be so stupid?_

I was mad at myself for showing him that I had been scared back there.. I had deeply hoped he wouldn't notice anything but how could he not? I had felt the fear all over my body, of course he could see it in my eyes.

"Don't worry, it's nothing," I smiled, trying to brush it off like it really was nothing.

"Bella. Hey, look at me." I turned around from the bread I was putting in a basket and he locked his eyes with mine. "If there is anything, _anything_, just talk to me," he brushed my hair away from my face, placing his hand on my cheek, "I'm here to listen, _to help you. _Please remember that," he pleaded.

Hearing him plead to talk to him if there was something wrong was baffling and even beyond it. My trust in him grew and I could feel, no doubt, that it would soon be complete. Another few things he could say like this would complete it and it would basically make me ready to tell him my secret. Yes, I wanted to tell him my secret.

Was that so bad?

Because I wanted him to be able to hold me when I was so scared I couldn't even breath. I wanted to be able to let all the tears and all the frustration out when it all became too much. I wanted to be able to do all these things. I guessed, no matter how much I trusted him, it wouldn't reassure me that he wouldn't run away after he had heard the story. Why would he run? I didn't have a good answer but I guessed being with a broken girl who didn't feel like she was able to love wasn't the best thing.

"Promise me," he said in a firm voice, causing me to return back from the chaos that was my mind. Now he wanted me to _promise..._

"I promise." I should be able to promise that when there wasn't a thing I wanted more to do, to tell him when I needed him, to tell him when I was upset but also to be able to tell him when I just needed to be quiet and have him hold me in his arms.

He leaned down and kissed me softly and it felt like he was assuring me that everything was gonna be fine. He made the relief wash through my body and start a little fire that made me warm inside. He knew exactly what to do and what to say.

"I'll go back to your friends now – that blond haired one seems like a handful," he chuckled.

"I think Rosalie's middle name is 'handful'," I laughed along with him.

I finished in the kitchen and walked into the living room where a questioning was going on. Angela was sitting on one end of the couch, laughing. Edward was sitting on the other end and Rosalie was sitting in the chair, asking Edward questions and even more questions. About what? Everything and nothing. It was like the meeting with Alice all over again. I placed the tray on the dining table and stood for a second listening.

"Where did you go to school?"

"In Florida."

"Are you from Florida?"

"Born and raised."

"The popular kid or the nerd?"

"I went my own ways."

"Where did you go to college?"

"I didn't."

"Why not?"

The look in Edward's eyes changed. It became more serious and he suddenly looked very uncomfortable. It was clear there were things he didn't like to talk about. I already knew that. I knew we both carried a secret.

"Rosalie, it's enough now. Let Edward off the hook and come eat breakfast."

Edward's kind expression returned and he got up and came over to kiss my temple. He seemed very grateful that I had stopped Rosalie's questions.

"Aw, you guys are so cute," Angela exclaimed. It felt like my cheeks turned bright red and I guessed they did because it caused Edward to brush his thumb over my cheek and smile. We sat down at the table and started eating breakfast. Rosalie kept asking a few more questions, just innocent ones, so I let her. I would stop her the moment I could see it made Edward uncomfortable.

A light and happy feeling lingered in the apartment. Those carefree moments were my escape now and then.

We finished breakfast and me and Angela started cleaning up. I stood in the kitchen, doing some dishes, not allowing myself let it all be a mess, when I heard someone clear their voice behind me. I turned around and Edward stood leaned up against the door frame with his phone in his hand.

"I forgot I promised to help Alice with some moving around in her room, so I actually have to leave.."

"Oh.. that's okay," I replied, even though I was kinda sad he was leaving. I liked it much better when he was around all the time and we hadn't exactly been apart much these past few days.

"Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight?"

"Of course, Edward," I told him so honestly, like there was more meaning to it than just a 'yes' to a dinner proposal.

"I'll pick you up at 6 then," he smiled. "I'll miss you," he added. _There goes my melted heart, all over the place. _I gave him a long and tight hug. He gave me a kiss before he grabbed his jacket and closed the door behind him.

I returned to my dishes as a new voice started talking behind me. It made me jump until I realized Rosalie and Angela were still here.

"He's amazing, Bella."

"He actually is. And he is so nice," Rosalie added.

"Did you ask enough questions or is there a around two coming at some point?" I teased her.

"No, I think only a little more here and there," she laughed. "But hey, I'm just looking out for you."

"I know you are."

"Why did he leave?" Angela asked.

"He had to help his sister with something."

"Have you meet this sister?" Rosalie joined in.

"Yes."

"Uh, you are going somewhere."

"Rosalie, please don't.."

"Okay, okay I'll stop."

I loved that they were both looking out for me and wanted the best for me but I didn't want them to say too much. Too much could confuse me. I wanted this to only be between me and Edward. Because the advices Angela and Rosalie could come up with worked for "normal" relationships. This between me and Edward wasn't exactly "normal." Two people with secrets and careful approaches at this relationship didn't make it easy.

I kept saying Edward had a secret, like I did, without even knowing it. But I could feel it, the way he held back, the things he wasn't comfortable with talking about – he was hiding something. I wanted to know what it was but I guessed that if I couldn't share my secret with him, he couldn't share his.

We all sat in the living room, with a cup of tea each, and talked. It had actually been a long time since we had just sat down and had a girl talk. Rosalie talked about this new guy she just started dating which didn't come as a surprise to me and Angela – Rosalie was always dating someone. She talked about how wonderful he was and how he could make her feel. She really seemed to be falling hard for this guy. I could relate to all the feelings and emotions she was talking about, though I didn't say that out loud. I kept thinking about Edward. I was looking forward to dinner tonight. After Rosalie's round of questions I had been inspired to ask my own.

Rosalie and Angela left and I rushed to my bedroom to get ready. It was hard figuring out what to wear. I wanted to wear something that suited a fancy restaurant but I didn't want it to be too much, so it looked like I was expecting to go there again. I still remember how baffled I had been when he had driven up to that restaurant. I settled on a pair of dark washed skinny jeans, a cream loose button down and a leather jacket. I brushed my hair through and let it hang loose on my shoulders. I put on some subtle black sandals. I sat down on the couch to take a deep breath but then there was a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock. 6 pm on the dot.

I went to open the door and was met by a big bouquet of red roses and looking up a bit I saw Edward's perfect lips formed into a smile. He handed me the flowers and I looked at them stunned for a moment before he took me into a sudden embrace.

"I was right – I did miss you," he mumbled into my hair. He kissed me deeply like we had been apart for more than a few hours and I was baffled by his outburst of emotions. I wondered if he was on a first name base with butterflies because he, again and again, caused a butterfly park in my stomach. I kissed him back with just as much passion. Then I went to put the flowers in a vase and placed them beside my bed so I could look at them tomorrow when I woke up and be warm all over again.

"I'm ready to go," I announced as I stepped back into the hallway.

I locked my apartment and we walked to the car. The drive to the restaurant didn't take long, exactly as long as the last time because it was the same exact restaurant. He came over to open my door and interlaced our fingers as we walked into the restaurant and got a table. We got seated and ordered our food. I noticed Edward ordered the same as last time.

"Do you always get the same when you are here?"

"Yeah, most of the time – sometimes I order something else but it happens rarely." He grabbed my hand and held it on the table. "I thought this could kinda be our restaurant."

_Amazing guy alert._

"What about a place where I can actually afford the food?" I joked.  
>"Don't you worry about that shit, Bella – I'll take care of you."<p>

_Correction; perfect guy alert. _

The waiter came back with our drinks. Not exactly drinks, it was just water. I noticed Edward never drank. Whenever we had been some place he had always just gotten water or a soda. In the beginning he even struck me as a beer guy.

"You don't drink?" I questioned.  
>"No," he replied, coldness to his voice.<p>

"Why not?" I asked interested.

He got the same uncomfortable look in his eyes like he had had in the apartment today.

"I..I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh okay.. I have another question; how was your childhood? Were you the happy kid or the kid like me, liking to be left alone with a book," I laughed a little to light the mood after my first question was shot down.  
>"I..I.. don't really wanna talk about it.."<p>

"Edward, you can talk to me."

"Stop!" he said so firmly, raising his voice a bit. It scared me. I sat back in my chair. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, Bella – I didn't mean it like that. Of course I can talk to you. My childhood is just a.. touchy subject.."

"I'm sorry, Edward," I was looking down, sad that I had upset him.

"Don't be, don't apologize, it's not your fault. Hey, look at me." I raised my head and saw guilt in his eyes. He was sad that he had reacted that way. "_I'm_ sorry, Bella, really."

"It's okay, Edward," I smiled to try and reassured him that it was okay. I was shocked by his reaction. But now I knew that his secret must have something to do with his childhood. I would remember that, not wanting to upset him again.

He leaned in and kissed me and cupped my cheek.

"How can you be so absolutely perfect, Bella?"

**A/N: That was chapter 13, yay! I think it's safe to say the main word in this chapter was 'question' haha. I really hope you enjoyed it, and I would looove to hear what you guys think in a review. They make my day.**

**Thanks again to the lovely Drazenka, who beta'ed this chapter. Read her completed fic on fictionpress called 'The Final Dance' – her username is ****'****SweetLittleTaleEndedSour'**

**Thank you so much for read! x Susanne**


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